So here I sit at almost half past one in the morning and contemplate my life (nothing unusual there).

Today (Friday 28th of March) it has been five years since my last alcoholic drink. I find it hard to believe that I have been sober for that long, before I stopped the very idea of going for a day without a drink was laughable and there is no way that I would have considered it possible for me to go even one year without a slip. Yet, here I am, five years later and amazed that I've made it.

Can't really think of much more to say right now.

See ya

This is just a quick post to leave a link to a short filmy thing that I've done, it's made up of small animations and things, and I've put it up on YouTube. just thought you might like to have a look, here's the LINK.

My life and the things in it:-

hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, love, love, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, love, hate, hate, hate, love, love, hate, hate, hate, love, hate, hate, hate, love, hate, etc... (but not necessarily in that order).

Maybe 'hate' is too strong a word for some of those, maybe it should be more like heavily dislike, or in some cases maybe even mildly dislike. Why do there have to be so many grey areas, why can't it be simple and just black and white - love or hate? It's the grey areas that cause all the problems, I hate the grey areas, or at least I think I do, maybe I just heavily dislike them!

Sometimes I think that I might like to reconnect with my past, but them I really don't know if it would be a good idea really. I know that there are issues there that I need to confront and sort out, but am I completly ready to do that, and in fact do I really 'need' to do it anyway, why can't I just accept them for what they were and move on with my life? I look at Pete and I wish that I could have his unburdened mind, just for a while, just to stop thinking for a while. I used to have the alcohol for that, but alas that way out is no longer an option if I want to keep hold of the tattered remnants of my life and mind, nor is the way of drugs open to me any longer, porn doesn't help and in fact just makes it worse sometimes, food doesn't work for me and just makes the whole situation a lot worse, music works to some degree but it's difficult to use sometimes and so never seems to hit the spot (don't know if it would work completely anyway). So what is there left I wonder, and I come up with the mind shattering answer 'I haven't got a bloody clue!', so no help there then.

I see myself and what I know is that I am not what I should be. I don't know what it is that I should be, but I know I'm not it. I don't know if I was ever going to be it, and have no idea how I could ever have been or can ever be it, mainly because I don't know what it is. All I know for sure is that I am not it.

See ya.

So here I sit with a cold, which has come on very suddenly and has sapped my strength a bit, in a cold house because the heating is only working when it feels like it. Still nevermind ay!

Niki has taken Pete to the clinic for a developement check up. They went away for the weekend, Niki's annual trip to Haworth for SkipNorth. I stayed at home and did some me stuff, as well as trying to rearrange the living room to give Pete more room to move around now that he's crawling all the time and trying to stand up a lot.

I posted a new piece on my other blog the other day and haven't had a single comment, which suprised me given it's topic, still there ya go

Well, I'm off to have a cup-a-soup and watch some daytime TV. See ya!