I am feeling a bit odd right now. Firstly I don't seem to be sleeping very well (once again) as can be seen by the fact that I'm writing this at 3.20am, this has made me feel a bit buzzy. Secondly I still seem to be in this down turn, there have been a few more up moments but mostly it's been very flat for the last few weeks. Thirdly, I had an appointment with my heart specialist today, once again I was told that apart from the fact that I have a heart condition and need triple bypass surgery which they can't do because I'm too much of a fat bastard, I really healthy, all I want to know is if that's true why do I feel so unhealthy so much of the time? You don't really need to answer that question, it's purely rhetorical. Don't you just hate people who ask rhetorical questions?

Anyway, apart from the above, I don't quite know what is wrong with me right now. I really feel a bit out of place (if that makes any sense at all), I feel like I don't belong, even within myself. The only time I seem to feel focused is sitting doing mindless and not really necessary crap on the computer. Maybe that's why I sit and do it until such ridiculously early hours of the day. My mind doesn't so much wander at the moment as take a three week holiday in Benedorm every few hours. I have been trying hard to do some of the things my counsellor has talked to me about and have been thinking a lot about the things I have lost from my life and the things that have changed, both good and bad (relative though those terms are) and it doesn't seem to have made a great deal of difference. I think what I need to do is vocalise the thoughts I've been having and get someone to just sit and listen to me drone on and on for hours about me and my life, which means it can't really be anyone that has been involved in my life (and that includes my counsellor really), the trouble is I don't open up well when talking to strangers and wouldn't know either who would want to listen and where to go to find them. Still they you go.

I think Niki is doing alright. I'm not totally sure because I have been a bit caught up in my own stuff, and I worry that I have been leaving too much to her although she assures me that I haven't. She's also tired, more because of Pete than anything else I think, but I do worry about her and am sure that when she says she's fine she's not really, but that could just be my paranoia kicking in again.

Pete is doing alright, still a few problems with the reflux and stuff, but other than that he seems to be absolutely fine. Niki is going to take him to get weighed again, last time he was just over 15lb so we reckon he'll be around 17 to 18lb this time, which isn't bad for just over 3 months old.

Well, I think that's about all from me for now. Just going to leave you with a couple of links to sites that Niki has shown me this week:-

Great hats for women who want to go to stoneings or anyone who wants to hide there identity HERE.

A must have Christmas gift for all bikers HERE.

See ya!