So I go to see the counsellor yesterday and we talk about my childhood and how I've lived my life and she basically tells me that I am a gray man. I have lived my life in the middle ground of averageness for so long that when I do something that others thing of as wonderful I can't see it because I have come to think of myself as just average at everything. I also don't like to step too far into the blue sunlit world of praise and success because I'm affraid of it (for many different reasons), but equally I don't like being in the black world of evil and depression because of all the pain that brings to me. Having said that, because i find it easier to maintain a "down" rather than "up" state of mind I find myself living in the world of black inside my head whilst all the time maintaining a gray lifestyle. The thing is that I completely identify with that and realised that she is right. Even when I tried to rebel and live a wild "rock 'n' roll" lifestyle, it just didn't feel right and I wasn't happy doing it, and the times in my life that I have excelled at anything I have either deliberately or unconsciously pushed that self destruct button and made it all fall apart. And this all stems from the fact that, as far as I remember (and apparently it's the way you remember and percieve things to have happened that have a lasting effect on you not the way they actually happened), almost everything I did as a kid was pretty much just ignored and I felt very much that I didn't really matter much within the family structure, I was the baby of the family and as such was disregarded. That isn't to say that my family didn't love me, I know they did (and do I hope) it was just the way the family unit functioned and nobody even thought anything of it, it happens all the time mainly because it is very difficult for any of us to be fully aware of how others percieve things to be. I discussed a few other things with the counsellor but left with this on my mind and feeling a bit more flat than last week, however I now feel a bit more focused and it's nice in a way to have sorted at least one strand of the chaos in my head out enough for it to be filed away, if not "completely" dealt with yet.

Anyway, on to other things.

Niki has had a problem with her left leg and her hips, we think she got bad cramp during the night (not bad enough to wake her but bad enough to make her muscle lock up) and sleeping on it made it worse, and of course because she has been favouring that leg the other leg and her hips have started hurting. We hope that it will sort itself out as she can't use any of the muscle relaxant creams or sprays. We are going to see the consultant at the hospital this morning, not completely sure why as this was only slotted in after our appointment with the midwife earlier this week to get Niki's blood test results (which to be honest could probably have been due over the phone but there you go) anyway I'll let everyone know how it goes. Apart from that everything seems to be ok, the baby seems to be doing alright and is moving around quite a bit (especially at night) despite the fact that the midwife told Niki it was far too early for her to be able feel it.

We are going to have to go and try to sort things out about Niki's studio before next week, so probably tomorrow then. I just wish I could find a way to get rid of this problem without it costing us a fortune, but there doesn't seem to be any way of doing that right now.

Well, that's about all for now I think, see y'all