Points have been made and maybe they are valid ones, so this is my last blog entry.

I want to say goodbye and thank you to all of my friends on here and I hope that the world and life treat you all well.

See y'all

So I go to see the counsellor yesterday and we talk about my childhood and how I've lived my life and she basically tells me that I am a gray man. I have lived my life in the middle ground of averageness for so long that when I do something that others thing of as wonderful I can't see it because I have come to think of myself as just average at everything. I also don't like to step too far into the blue sunlit world of praise and success because I'm affraid of it (for many different reasons), but equally I don't like being in the black world of evil and depression because of all the pain that brings to me. Having said that, because i find it easier to maintain a "down" rather than "up" state of mind I find myself living in the world of black inside my head whilst all the time maintaining a gray lifestyle. The thing is that I completely identify with that and realised that she is right. Even when I tried to rebel and live a wild "rock 'n' roll" lifestyle, it just didn't feel right and I wasn't happy doing it, and the times in my life that I have excelled at anything I have either deliberately or unconsciously pushed that self destruct button and made it all fall apart. And this all stems from the fact that, as far as I remember (and apparently it's the way you remember and percieve things to have happened that have a lasting effect on you not the way they actually happened), almost everything I did as a kid was pretty much just ignored and I felt very much that I didn't really matter much within the family structure, I was the baby of the family and as such was disregarded. That isn't to say that my family didn't love me, I know they did (and do I hope) it was just the way the family unit functioned and nobody even thought anything of it, it happens all the time mainly because it is very difficult for any of us to be fully aware of how others percieve things to be. I discussed a few other things with the counsellor but left with this on my mind and feeling a bit more flat than last week, however I now feel a bit more focused and it's nice in a way to have sorted at least one strand of the chaos in my head out enough for it to be filed away, if not "completely" dealt with yet.

Anyway, on to other things.

Niki has had a problem with her left leg and her hips, we think she got bad cramp during the night (not bad enough to wake her but bad enough to make her muscle lock up) and sleeping on it made it worse, and of course because she has been favouring that leg the other leg and her hips have started hurting. We hope that it will sort itself out as she can't use any of the muscle relaxant creams or sprays. We are going to see the consultant at the hospital this morning, not completely sure why as this was only slotted in after our appointment with the midwife earlier this week to get Niki's blood test results (which to be honest could probably have been due over the phone but there you go) anyway I'll let everyone know how it goes. Apart from that everything seems to be ok, the baby seems to be doing alright and is moving around quite a bit (especially at night) despite the fact that the midwife told Niki it was far too early for her to be able feel it.

We are going to have to go and try to sort things out about Niki's studio before next week, so probably tomorrow then. I just wish I could find a way to get rid of this problem without it costing us a fortune, but there doesn't seem to be any way of doing that right now.

Well, that's about all for now I think, see y'all

Hi there everyone, this is just a quick entry to post a few links for things.

These first two are about a film called "Three For All", if anyone can give me any info about weither it's available on DVD or you can get the soundtrack on CD I'd be really grateful:-

Three For All 1

Three For All 2

This next one is a link to an amazing piece of on-line art:-

Zoom 2

This last one is for all the Monty Python fans and people who love stupid games:-

Python Spam Game

Well that's all for now, I'll do a proper post probably on Thursday after my next lot of counselling.

See y'all

Well, I had my first counselling session on Wednesday evening, and an odd session it was too. It consisted of a short catch up on what's been going on in my life since I had my interview with the counsellor last year, then what seemed very much to be 45 minutes of ego stroking during which time she told me how wonderful I am and how much good I've done and how a lot of the things I've been struggling to achieve in my life I already have but just haven't either accepted/realised/ or noticed it. This made me feel very elated and I left the place feeling almost a little high. Of course within a few hours I started to think about it more and wondered why, if all that is true, I am so down on myself all the time and haven't allowed myself to acknowledge the things that I've done. This thinking of course became deeper and in the end meant that I was left feeling that there must be something fundementally wrong with me to want to ignor the good in me and use the bad to beat myself with. So we'll see what happens next week.

Niki has started to feel the baby moving, although it's not kicking yet, I can't imagine how odd that must feel. Everything seems to be going well with the baby, we are going to the hospital to get some blood teat results on Monday and Niki has a scan on the 18th of next month, once they are done then we will know for sure that everything is alright, I'll keep everyone posted.

I spent the night alone last night because Niki has gone away for the weekend, it's a country knitting weekend that she organises with a friend of hers every year, called Skip North. It's kind of weird being here without her around, although Scott is coming to stay tonight until Sunday so I won't be on my own all weekend.

We've been doing pretty well, or at least we were until last week when we found that we can't get out of the lease that Niki's got on her studio without finding someone else to take it over, and the letting agent we have to deal with is a slimely little shit who only seems to tell half of the truth a lot of the time and seems to have some kind of allergy to putting things in writing. Right now, I really would like to destroy him and his company economically, and physically, but I have no idea how to or even if that would help our situation, not that I could afford to do anything anyway. Still there are a couple of people how have apparently shown some interest in the studio so we might be lucky, although given past experience I'm not holding my breath.

Anyway, I can't think of much else to write at the moment apart from the fact that I've put the first song that I've recorded only on my digital portastudio on my Kizlode MySpace site, so I'll leave it at that and see y'all.

A long time ago i started this epic journey into what seems to be my life and there have been a number of times since that i have seriously wondered why. It seems incredible to me now that i would have wanted to go through all of this rubbish just to come out of the other side of it dead, I mean what the hell is the point of all that? I tried a little while ago to delve into the deep mysteries and meanings held within religion and philosophy, in the end I found that none of them really "spoke" to me and so molded parts of many of them into my own understanding of it all. In reality this was completely pointless as I knew that it was just a mash up of other peoples ideas and so ulimately meaningless to me, it gave me no more comfort than i had found in any other religion or philosophy. The strange thing is that I have now realised that I actually got more from the looking than I did from what I found, this is a very depressing fact to realise because it makes me wonder if the same is going to be true of the counselling that I am starting next week. Am I going to "enjoy", if that is the right word to use, the process of the counselling but find that once it has concluded I am just as empty, unsatisfied, confused and directionless as I am now, if so what was the point? I am starting to think that life, and purhaps the perpose of life, is just about carrying out a series of unsatisfying and pointless exercises in order to stop us realising that in reality there is no real reason or point to it all and life is just one big waste of time.

I am lost right now. Lost inside my own self. Still able to function and think in the "real" world, whatever that means, but lost and locked, unfocused, in my own cube. The world around me keeps turning and life within it goes on, and I try to keep going with it, interacting and trying to be part of it, but keep feeling more and more that I am less and less. Within me my mind is not allowing itself to be free but I am not sure of what the freedom entails anyway so I don't know if it may well be freer than i think it is. All in all I am becoming less sure of the world and my part in it, if I have one, whilst the world around me seems to be becoming more aware of me and forging a part for me in it.

There are few things that really scare me now, life being one thing that does, but what I don't understand is why, therefore, I still seem to live in a state of fear. What am I affraid of if I am not affraid of things?

Welcome to just one little, and I do mean very little, part of the chaos that fills every part of my brain every hour of every day.