Well, here I am again at 7.30ish having gone to bed at about 2.30ish and not gone to sleep until about 4ish, sitting at the computer contemplating my virtual navel.

I finally got notification yesterday that my counselling, although they insist on calling it 'Therapy' is going to start on the 7th of March. It's going to be individual therapy at first but we have agreed that it will be flexible and may also involve some group work if we both feel it will be helpful. It's for 24 weeks, which confused me a little as when I originally went there I was told it would probably be for about 2 years all in all, I'll have to ask them about it when I start. I know it's good news but I'm still more than a little scared about doing it, I mean last time I did real in-depth counselling/therapy I ended up without a wife and a house to live in and then had a heart attack, I don't really want a repeat performance this time. I'm also scared because every time I've had some kind of counselling/therapy it seems to have brought up more 'stuff' that has been even harder to deal with, but I suppose it can only go on like that for so long before it has to stop and I finally get to the root of it all (or the roots as there are probably many more than one reason for me being the way I am). Still I am going to do it and put everything I can into it, I don't have any other choice, I don't want to have to go on with all the chaos in my head all the time and not being able to deal with any of it. We shall see what happens.

Just wanted to let people know that I've changed the song on my MySpace page, that is THIS ONE , I've put up some that I recorded last year on my analog porta-studio and have transferred to digital via my new digital porta-studio. The quality isn't the best it could be but it's pretty good considering. I would really like to know what people think, even if you think they are rubbish, so please go and have a listen and let me know.

Well, I'm going to leave you with a couple of links that I thought some of you might enjoy:-

This for all the flash guitarists out there (or even the non flash ones):-
GUITARIST

This is a load of useless trivia (unfortunately very USA biased) but some of you might find some of it interesting, I did but I'm sad:-
TRIVIA

That's all from me for now, love to all and may you all find your own individual therapy.
See y'all

Well, it's only been a little while since my last posting but quite a lot has happened, so I'll try to do a full update now.

Firstly, as you will remember we had some snow so here's a picture of Womble in the first snow she's ever seen in the back garden, just before she decided to run around it and attack the snow:-

Niki and I went to see The Magic Numbers again on Friday the 9th at the Forum, it was a great gig and was made all the better by the fact that we got a CD of the gig from ConcertLive, which I picked up that night almost exactly 10 minutes after they came off stage.

I bought myself a digital home studio made by the same company as make my drum maching, Zoom, so now I can record some stuff to put up on my second MySpace site (that's the Kizlode one, there's only an instrumental demo version of a song I'm working on posted on there at the moment but I will be putting more up soon). I've also bought a Yamaha keyboard for £1 (plus £12 postage) but that hasn't arrived here yet.

I spent a few days the week before last just putting different things that I remember from my childhood into the search engine and seeing what came up and amazingly I found a whole page of pictures of a cartoon that I remember really well called 'The Mole', I think it was Polish or something. I have mentioned it before to some people I know and they just looked at me as if I was mad and said they didn't remember it. Anyway here's a picture:-

We had an odd week last week in our house. Firstly Scott stayed here all week, which was nice but seemed a bit odd as I haven't seen much of him for the last few months. Niki had a bit of a scare about the baby on Tuesday so she went to the doctors who sent us to the hospital to make sure everything was alright, so we spent 3 hours in A & E then saw a doctor who told us basically nothing. This was bad enough but Tuesday also happened to be the anniversary of when we first got together. Any way, we had a proper apointment at the hospital on Wednessday, saw the mid-wife and heard the baby's heartbeat, which made us both feel a lot better. Then Friday I had to go to the hospital again to see a specialist about my ear problem, they said my hearing isn't to bad and gave me some ear drops to stop me getting infections, they say I will need an opperation at some point but to worry about my heart problems as they are more important. I get pissed off by the fact that no one seems to understand or take seriously just how stressed and paranoid I get about my hearing.

In the midst of all that hospital stuff, on Thursday I took Scott to Harrods where we met up with Mr Kelly and his boys, then went to see the Guitar exhibition there. It was interesting and there were some excellent guitars on display but overall I wasn't as impressed as I thought I would be, there were some guitars wrongly labeled and a couple that I had read would be there weren't, having said that I'm glad I went and had a good time there. Below are pictures of three of the guitars that were there:-

One of Keith Richards Guitars

Rory Gallagher's No.1 Strat

A Strat autographed by Jimi Hendrix and the Experience from the Marquee in 1967

Here's the last three poems I'm going to ppost for a while:-

I Am.

A tree without branches,
a bird without wings,
a man missing something am I.

A spade without digging,
a bat without ball,
a man without purpose am I.

A soul without body,
a thought without form,
a man lacking substance am I.

A structure of essence,
a building of thought,
I am not the real me, am I?

Midwinter Dream.

Without a doubt, but without a reason,
they threw me to the lions.
Without a thought I committed treason,
and they sentenced me to death.
Without a prayer I shunned religion,
and devils mocked my words.
Without a clue but with true precision,
I escaped like the exhaling of breath.
Without a reason I burnt a house down,
then built another one from dust.
Without a plan and dressed as a clown,
I lead an army into war.
Without a smile I carried my gun,
and killed anything that moved.
Then I awoke to the light of the sun,
and they say sanity's what dreaming is for.

Block.

An empty shell,
as shallow as a rainwater puddle
that forms in the imprint left by the footfall of an ant.
Nothing and no one
dwelling in the ruins of my imagination
the chill wind of no words blowing through my desolate mind.
Will this emptiness ever be filled?
Will anyone ever take up residence
in the house that spawned so many new born adults?
And if not, what then?
Is there a future for one who's seas have turned to deserts
and whose life seems incomplete without non-existent strangers?

So, that brings us up to date and today. Niki and I went back to the hospital this afternoon for her to have her first scan. They told us everything is fine and the baby is growing normally. Below is a picture of the baby taken from the scan, it's quite clear but the picture we saw on the screen was much clearer and we could clearly see hands and arms.

Well that's about all for now, I'll post more info about Niki and the baby as we have it, and I'm hopeing that I get some news about my counselling soon because I think I could do with it. Even with all the good stuff going on at the moment I still feel down and get pissed off about not being able to work out exactly why.

Anyway, that's all for now, see y'all

This is something for all the guitarists out there:-

Harrods Rocks Guinness World Record

Calling all wannabe rock gods and axe heroes...On Sunday 18 February 2007 at 8am, Harrods is offering guitarists the chance to play their way into rock'n'roll history!
To celebrate its 'Harrods Rocks' season from 1st February to 3rd March, the world-famous London store will host a bid to break the world record for the most guitarists simultaneously playing one song.
Harrods hopes to get 2,000 guitarists to play Deep Purple's rock standard 'Smoke On The Water' at next month's event.

If you want to find out more then for full info check out this WEB SITE

Here's a silly clip that i thought some of you might like

VIDEO

Finally, as promised, here are a couple more of my poems (although in truth the second one is more of a song without a tune at the moment really):-

Beyond.

I stare into the hole.
The whole hole.
The hole through which my soul falls,
deeper and deeper,
past the keeper of tormented undead beings,
past the deepest depth,
into eternity and beyond.

I stare into my soul.
My whole soul.
My soul, which falls through the hole,
deeper and deeper,
past the reaper holding court among the dead,
past the deepest depth,
into eternity and beyond.

I stare into the hole.
The hole, whole.
The hole more complete than my soul, which falls through it,
deeper and deeper,
past the sleeper dreaming of whole’s less complete,
past the deepest depth,
into eternity and beyond.

Mind Stream.

Open,
open up,
shut the fuck up,
can't you talk without talking?
Nothing
is always
just something too much,
let me think about thinking.
Too much space
always full to the brim,
it's my mind
and I can't let me.

Where's the love I used to have?
I gave it to me, now it's gone bad.
All the talking in my head,
I've never listened to a word I said.
I left me sitting in my room;
I couldn't get away too soon.
I've lived without me for so long,
now I don't know where I've gone.

Breaking,
broken down,
build it back up
just to smash it to pieces.
Living
is always
the thing I do best
when reality ceases.
Too much me
always inside of my head,
why can't I be
someone else instead?

Where's the dream I used to fake?
My promises to me I'd always break.
All the things I used to love,
the velvet hand in an iron glove.
I left me broken by my hate for me,
I couldn't stay, had to be free.
I ran so far in other peoples shoes
now I've lost all the things I tried so hard to lose.

Waiting,
all of the time.
What the hell for?
Leave the chances to chancers.
Searching,
all of the time.
For what? I don't know.
Finding nothing but answers.
So many worlds,
so many things not to do.
It's my life
but can I rent it to you.

Where's the me that I used to be?
The one I never really wanted to be.
All the time I've spent alone,
never being on my own.
My train of thought has been derailed
by the stories I've regaled.
I try so hard to get my thoughts to win,
but the world around me just keeps crashing in.

Well that's all for now, see y'all

I was tagged to do this:-

Alphabet

I’ve been tagged by Niki to find words for all of the alphabet (except X,Y and Z – although I might have a go at those as well just to show how anal I can be) to describe myself so here goes.

A- Alcoholic - this has been one of the things that has pretty much defined my life for the last four years and probably will for the rest of my life.

B- Broken - this is pretty much the way I have felt for a long time.

C- Creative - at least I try to be, don’t think I always succeed but there you go.

D- Depressive - this kind of speaks for its self.

E- Entertainer - Niki say’s that I can’t help myself as far as this goes, I just think I play the fool a lot.

F- Father - and proud of it.

G- Guilt-ridden - such is the life of a former addict.

H- Head-banger - I used to head-bang to Heavy metal music when I was younger and had long hair and I’m also a bit mad, so it fits on both counts.

I- Indecisive – or at least I think I might be, I’m not too sure.

J- Juvenile - I have been many times and can still be sometimes.

K- Kizlode - a made up word from a novel that I have used for years and that has, many times, described me perfectly.

L- Loving - I am capable of much love and try my best to show it to those that matter to me.

M- Musical - music has been a major part of my life for as long as I can remember.

N- Negative - at least I’m told I am, I just think I’m being realistic.

O- Ordinary - I’m just an ordinary bloke really.

P- Physical - I’ve always been a person who hugs.

Q- Quinch - a character that, for some reason, I used to identify with (I think it was that the pair, DR & Quinch (the one at the back in the picture), kind of reminded me of myself and Old Nick at the time).

R- Re-actionary - I love doing things just to see how people will re-act to them, always have.

S- Sick - my health is not good, both physically and mentally.

T- Thinker - I think a lot about a lot of things, often far too much about too much for my own good.

U- Unique - well, aren’t we all, really, when it comes down to it?

V- Vapid – I often lack interest in everything and so, am lacking in interest.

W- Weary – I find myself feeling this way more and more often these days.

and now for my try at the other three:-

X- XL - as in extra large (and believe it or not this in in the dictionary).

Y- Yellow – as in cowardly, I hate any kind of physical confrontation and will avoid it at all costs everytime.

Z- Zoophilous – I have always loved animals (the dictionary says “devoted to” but also says “very fond of”, which is more like it for me).

I probably could have thought of a few other words for almost all of the letters but I have tried not to be too negative or rude.

And now, aparently, I have to tag five people, so I tag Faffajane, Sweetymon, Nannyogg, Classicrockchick, and Welshceltgirl.

Links

Here's a couple of links that I thought some of you might like:-

Video - some fun with dry ice and liquid soap.

Song - an oddity that I remember my eldest brother playing a lot when I was about 6 or 7, for you to download if you want.

Poems

Here's another few of my poems:-

Unreality.

Reality broke today,
It’s myriad splinters each breaking continuously
Into smaller and smaller pieces
Until life itself became a powdered surreality
Wafted upon the still waters of eternity.

Life.

Death holds nothing that I fear,
The thing I fear most is life.
The daily slide towards the grave,
The corporate claws that us enslave,
The emotional knives that we must brave,
The problems flowing, wave on wave,
And the pained and sometimes bitter love,
We share with those to whom life we gave.

Children.

Children are the bane of my life,
They break things and I love them.
They lie to me, throw tantrums and shout,
And still I find I love them.
They make a mess and argue with me,
But even so I love them.
They anger me and make me shout,
And all the while I love them.
They seldom do the things they’re told,
And I can’t help but love them.
Children are the bane of my life,
I can’t stand them, but I love them.

Well that's all I've got right now so see y'all

I want to start off by thanking all of my friends that have helped and supported me over the last couple of weeks, and before that as well, you made a big difference to my state of mind and I thank you all.

I'm still feeling down and I'm still not totally sure why. I'm hopeing that I hear something about this counselling soon so that I can start to deal with all this stuff.

Well that's about all I've got to say about what's going on right now, so I'm going to post another couple of poems. These two are less serious than the previous ones, I hope that you find them amusing at least:-

Thug.

A tattooed Neanderthal with a demonic canine,
Asked me a question today.
He stood facing me, and with space all around us,
Said “You gunna get outta me way?”
My mind searched through miles of piles of files,
To locate a witty response,
But my mind took too long and as his fist hit my face
He said “Outta me bleedin’ way, ponce!”
I tried to explain there was no need for violence
But I don’t think he heard what I said.
It’s hard to be heard when your face down on the floor,
With a size thirteen boot on your head.

Spaced Out.

There’s no more fear, as once there was,
of invasion from the stars.
No mind sucking monsters from Alpha Centuri,
no little green men from Mars.
Non-humanoid beings from far distant worlds
will not be coming for you.
And what is the reason?
There’s not enough space,
too much rubble for them to get through.
Satellites for spying and war,
plus some for communication.
Lumps of rockets floating around,
some from every major nation.
The barrier caused by this techno-debris,
does us harm but may also do good.
Now we can’t get through to colonise space
as we were once told that we would.
But what is the good this rubbish can do?
It blocks the dangers of our global mishap,
so now when the ozone layer breaks down;
we’re protected by a layer of crap.

That's all from me at the moment, see y'all