I've been trying to go on as normally as possible but lately I've been feeling more and more disassociated with life, the world and even myself. I don't know what's happening in my own head a lot of the time but I just feel a little lost and can't focus or concentrate on things for too long before I start feeling either that they are taking me over completely, in which case I have to pull away from them, or I loose interest in them, in which case I start feeling bored. Added to this I have been sleeping oddly once again and have been getting back and hip pains, this is on top of the normal aches and pains that I feel a lot of the time and my ear problems. So, all in all, I don't feel 100% at the moment. This is why my postings on here are not going to be regular or necessarily very deep.

Unfortunately my disassociation has meant that I have been taking less notice than I should of what's going on around me.

Niki seems to be doing ok, she's still feeling sick a lot of the time and is also having some problems with sleeping and aches, she's now registered with a doctor and has seen one, we're waiting for a letter from the hospital to get her first scan done.

Niki's Dad has had some more operations since I last mentioned him and has now had to have his foot and part of his leg removed, from what Niki says he's not doing that badly but obviously having been in the hospital for this long he's not in the best frame of mind, and the mixture of medication he's on doesn't help, not to mention the fact that the hospital seems to be so badly organised and some of the staff don't seem to give a damn about the patients, but hopefully now his leg will heal quicker and better and he won't be in there for much longer, we'll have to wait and see.

Apart from all that and the now normal problem of being almost completely skint, things are going ok-ish.

Poems

I'm glad that some of you seemed to like the poems I posted before and so I thought I'd post a couple more. The first one I originally wrote as a poem but have since turned into a song, the version I'm posting is the slightly altered version for the song. Anyway, here they are:-

Lust In The Shadows.

I can see your eyes in the darkness
I can feel the warmth of your touch,
in my dreams you're always beside me,
never thought I'd want you so much.

I'd give anything to be with you
and to have you holding me tight,
I'll do anything that you want, babe,
if you'll say you'll have me tonight.

In my mind I've had you many times, babe,
how I wish I could make it real,
how I wish that I had the courage
to tell you the way that I feel.

But I know even if I told you
my dream would never come true,
you are already with another
and I shouldn't feel like I do.

But I can't stop wanting you so much,
I can't change my thoughts about you
and I know that it isn't right but
I just want to make love to you.

I can see your eyes in the darkness
I can feel the warmth of your touch,
in my dreams you're always beside me,
never thought I'd want you so much.

Do Not Weep.

Do not weep for me now I am gone,
for I have loved you and been loved by you,
and in that love found a way.

I have scaled the heights and in ecstasy remained there,
I have laughed and cried and raged and consoled,
I have lost and gained and feared and scared.
All of these things and more I have done,
but most of all I have loved.

I have been proud to call you friends,
and have loved even the worst of times with you.
I have sung and danced and written and read,
I have created and destroyed and fought and sometimes won,
but all the time I have loved and tried to inspire love as well.

Do not weep for me and try not to weep for yourselves,
remember me at my best and with love,
and happiness in your heart forever.

Links.

Here's a few links to things I've found that you might like:-

Brightonomicon (The Radio Show Web Site)

Slow Motion Videos

Word Disassociation Song Video

Well, that's all from me for now,
see y'all

I've been trying to get around to posting an entry on here for a few days but am not really in the mood for shareing much at the moment so instead I've decided to put a couple of my poems on here every time I put up an entry, so here are the first two:-

Storm Break.

Red splashed on gold,
Conflict upon chaos.
The echoing sound of decaying bone
Scraped across granite foundations.

Red drowning gray,
Warfare upon mayhem.
The frightened cry of the dieing dead
Laid to rest in far distant nations.

Red feeding black,
Bloodshed upon madness.
The menacing sound of mankind’s own breath
Gulped in through its last collapsed lung.

Red covers all,
Death’s-head upon horseback.
The earsplitting scream of the planet Earth,
No time, the last bell has been rung.

Engineer.

I met with death today,
I didn't recognise him at first,
as he lay there, staring,
but then he revealed himself to me.

I found no solace in the bottle,
I found no solace in nicotine or caffeine,
I found no solace in religion.

Life, what does it mean to be?

Here's some links to some funny and odd stuff:-

WARNING LABELS

DIRTY CELL PHONES

ICEY ROADS VIDEO

100 PEOPLE VIDEO

TWISTED SISTER VIDEO

I was going to do a really deep posting here today but I really can't be arsed.

Here's a funny thing, when I last went to the doctor she precribed me some anti-biotics to take in case I got an ear infection due to my perforated ear drum and after taking them for two days, I got an ear infrction which I've still got. Isn't medicine wonderful?

Anyway, that's part of the reason this isn't the posting I was going to put up. So to fill it out here's two different MEME's.

MEME 1 - Pinched from Prydwen.

1. Are you going to heaven or hell?
Hell

2. Would you want a trick or a treat?
Treat

3. Do you wear silver or gold jewelery?
Silver or White Gold

4. Politically would you have been a Cavalier or a Roundhead?
Cavalier

5. Which do you prefer, dogs or cats?
Dogs

6. Which would be your takeaway of choice - Chinese or Indian?
Both, but I’d probably prefer Indian

7. Have you angels or demons?
Possibly both but more demons than angels, I think

8. Do you prefer electric or acoustic guitars?
Both, but if I had to make a choice I’d go for electric

9. Would you like a fast car or motorbike?
Bike, actually I’d prefer a trike

10. Do you watch TV or listen to the radio?
Both, but probably prefer the radio

11. Are you a sinner or a saint?
Both depending on the day, but more sinner than saint

12. Do you prefer football or rugby?
Not really that bothered about either, but if I had to choose I’d say rugby

13. Do you think with your head or your heart?
Both, probably more with one than the other but which would depend on the thing I’m thinking about

14. Are you using a laptop or PC?
PC

15. Would you rather be married or single?
Not sure, been both and both were equally wonderful at times

16. Do you believe in resurrection or reincarnation?
Reincarnation of sorts

17 Are you more at home on the land or on the sea?
Only been at sea a couple of time, so I suppose land

18 Do you prefer to see the sunrise or sunset?
Not really that bothered about either, but I suppose the sunset would probably be my preference

19 Do you drink pints or shorts?
Neither, now

20 Do you like members of the opposite sex hairy or shaven?
Hairy but tidy (I assume this means in the pubic area), not into shaven much prefer the natural look, and feel

MEME 2 - Borrowed from MySpace.

1. When was the last time you shaved your legs?
Never have.

2. What were you doing this morning at 8am?
Sleeping, I think although I might have got up around then.

3. What were you doing 15 minutes ago?
Surfing the net.

4. Are you any good at math’s?
Some of it, sometimes.

5. Do you have any famous ancestors?
I’m not totally sure.

6. Are you mad at anyone right now?
Only me, as always.

7. Do you know the words to the song on your MySpace profile?
Yes, sort of, but not well.

8. Last thing received in the mail?
Bank statement and a letter from the Housing Benefit people.

9. How many different drinks have you had today?
Two, coffee and water.

10. Who do you miss right now?
My Mum and Dad, and Niki.

11. Do you ever leave messages on people's answering machine?
Only if they’ve got one and they’re not in when I phone them.

12. Who did you lose your concert virginity to?
I assume this means who was playing at the first concert I went to as I’ve never had sex at a concert. I’m not sure but I think it was either Black Sabbath or Phil Everly.

13. Do you draw your name in the sand when you go to the beach?
No.

14. What's the most painful dental procedure you've had?
I once had a nerve removed from a damaged tooth that hurt like hell.

15. What is out your back door?
My back garden.

16. Do you have plans for Friday night?
Just the usual, bugger all.

17. Do you like the ocean?
Yes.

18. Have you ever received one of those big tins of 3 different popcorns for Xmas?
No, not sure I’ve ever even seen one.

19. Have you ever been to a planetarium?
Yes.

20. Where do you see yourself in 10 years?
Don’t really look that far ahead, I’ll be happy to make it to the end of the week without any major problems, but I’d like to be healthier, happier, and have more money.

21. Who around you has the most problems?
Everyone.

22. Are any of your great-grandparents still alive?
No.

23. Explain your love life at this moment?
Generally good with some scary bits.

24. Where do you keep your change?
In my pocket and then in a jar.

25. When was the last time you spoke in front of a large group?
I’m not totally sure but I think it was at Becca and Jay’s wedding, although hardly anyone heard me.

Well, that's all for today.

See y'all

Well, here we are at another weekend and Niki has gone off to work in Putney (at Stash). I have done the washing up, hoovered, taken Womble for a walk, been and bought some milk and bread and a copy of the Guardian with a free DVD of 'What's Eating Gilbert Grape?' (which I think is a great film), and am now blogging and waiting for the kettle to boil for coffee. What a wild, rock 'n' roll life I lead nowdaysD

Yesterday we sorted our bedroom out some more (the first room we've really done much with since moving in) and it's basically done now, although it may have to change a bit when the baby comes, but we'll sort that out then.

Having got all of Niki's stuff from her studio, my good friend Chris Kelly came over and we took some of it round to store in his garage. He also took me round to quite a posh house in Romford where we picked up a cot that Niki won on E-bay for £10.01, it's a really good M & S cot that's in excellent condition, another bargin from E-bay

Niki has been feeling a bit sick lately but apart from that seems to be doing alright, having said that it has now got to the point where some smells make her feel sick and even knitting make her feel sick

Niki's Dad has had yet another operation on his foot and from what he's said they've basically taken away all of his toes now. He's not very happy about it as it means he's going to have to stay in hospital longer, but on the whole I think that if by doing this they stop any further damage it's the best thing to do.

I went to have my blood test and ECG done at a walk in clinic and everything went well, despit the fact that I hate needles and blood tests. As it was near where a friend of mine, Big Al, that I haven't seen for ages lives, I thought I'd pop in and see him. So, after some help from Old Nick as far as the location of Al's house (the memory's not what it used to be, but then again it never was), I went to see him. He's a great bloke, an excellent musician (he used to play bass in Klicketty Elephant with me, Nick, and Chris Kelly), and a great laugh. It was great to see him and hopefully we'll keep in touch a bit more now than we have.

All in all it's been quite a good week, although I have been feeling a bit fed up some of the time and have been a bit too introspective some of the time too.

Here's something for ya.

This is a link to a rather odd logic game thing that has become a bit addictive for me and Niki:- GROW

This is for all the guitarists out there, have a look at some of these strange guitar designs:- GUITARS

Well, that's all I've got for now, so see y'all

Ok, so this is going to be a bigger and more in depth posting than the last 2.

Let's start with last Friday. I had to go to my doctors for a few different things. Firstly I've been feeling very run down (more like run over some might say) lately and it has meant that everything, including breathing and walking at some points, was a bit of an effort. Secondly, my ear is still playing up and still feels clogged even though I've been assured it's not. Thirdly, and by no means less importnat than the others, my farmers have been giving me hell for about a week. So I turn up at my doctors expecting to see the mid-thirties Asian man that I've seen almost ever other time I've been there, then my name was called by a mid-twenties (if that), slim, blonde woman who was only about as tall as my shoulder and reminded me of a cross between Kylie and the girl out of 'Two Pints Of Lager'. Well we were fine on the whole tiredness thing, she's sent me for some blood tests and an ECG to make sure there is no underlying problem but says it's probably stress related. She looked at my ear and says she thinks, as I do, that I might have a perforated ear drum and so has referred me to a specialist. Then came the whole farmers issue, now some men might well like the idea of a youngish attractiveish woman poking around their back passage, but myself I found it deeply embarassing and very odd, at that moment I would have liked to have been anyone else and anywhere else(just about anyway), I have never gotting me trouser on and got out of somewhere so quickly (oh, except that one time, but that was in fear of my life). Anyway, she's says they look fine and I must say that since then they've been hardly any trouble, I think it's just that my mind has told them to behave because it doesn't want to go through that again.

Alrighty then, here's a bit of news for y'all. Niki is pregnant. It was quite a shock at first and took me a little while to be ok about, but things are fine with both of us now. She's about 9 weeks now, and whilst this is a time for congratulations there are certain issues about her age and build which mean that there is more of a possibility than normal of her not going to full term, so we are quietly waiting for a while before we really cheer about it. Hopefully everything will be alright and the baby will be born somewhere around the 16th of August. I will keep everyone informed about how things are going.

Well, we finally managed to get the stuff over from Niki's studio, with the help of two wonderful friends of Niki's, Dan and Mark. Mr Kelly has kindly offered the use of his lock up garage to store some of it short term, which is fantastic, and we'll be moving it tomorrow. Our benefits are on their way to being sorted out and the money situation was made slightly easier by the fact that I got a check for most of the deposit I paid on my last flat (some of it going to do repairs and tidying the garden which they said was needed and I couldn't be bothered to argue about), so hopefully we'll both be a little less stressed and a bit more relaxed, at least for a day or two.

Now I'm going to post my second Meme of the year, this one is based around the 7 deadly sins and has also been posted on my MySpace page:-

7 Deadly Sins

WRATH

1. Who did you last get angry with?
Either Womble or the prats in Asda who don’t know what they’re shopping for.

2. What is your weapon of choice?
Sarcasm, or a baseball bat depending.

3. Would you hit a member of the opposite sex?
Yes, if I felt that there was no other alternative.

4. How about of the same sex?
Yes, if I felt that there was no other alternative.

5. Who was the last person who got really angry at you?
I don’t know really.

6. What is your pet peeve?
Bigotry and intolerance.

7. Do you keep grudges, or can you let them go easily?
It depends on the reason and the person involved.

SLOTH

1. What is one thing you're supposed to do daily that you don't?
Exercise.

2. What is the latest you've ever woken up?
6pm

4. What is the last lame excuse you made?
I had no credit on my mobile.

5. Have you ever watched an infomercial all the way through?
I don’t remember doing so, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t.

6. When was the last time you got in a good workout?
Probably around the middle of November.

7. How many times did you hit the snooze button on your alarm clock today?
I hardly ever bother to set the alarm as I don’t normally have to be up at any special time and I normally wake up around 7.30 or 8am anyway.

GLUTTONY

1. What is your overpriced yuppie beverage of choice?
Carrot smoothie.

2. Meat eaters: white meat or dark meat??
Both, but definitely more white meat than dark.

3. What is the greatest amount of alcohol you've had in one sitting/outing/event?
I really have no idea exactly how much I drank but I do remember spending somewhere around £60 just on alcohol just for me in one lunchtime session.

4. Have you ever used a professional diet company?
No.

5. Do you have an issue with your weight?
Yes, but not as much of an issue as other people seem to have.

6. Do you prefer sweets, salty foods, or spicy?
I prefer spicy food, but like salty food and don’t mind eating sweet stuff sometimes.

7. Have you ever looked at a small house pet or child and thought "lunch"?
No.

LUST

1. How many people have you seen naked (not counting movies/family):
That’s a difficult one, I’m not sure probably around 50 or 60.

2. How many people have seen YOU naked (not counting physicians/family):
I’m not totally sure but I would say probably around 12.

3. Have you ever caught yourself staring at the chest/crotch of a member of the opposite gender during a normal conversation?
Yes, many times.

4. Have you ever kissed two people in one night?
Yes.

5. What is your favorite body part on a person of your gender of choice?
Breasts.

6. Have you ever been propositioned by a prostitute?
Yes.

GREED

1. How many credit cards do you own?
None.

2. What's your guilty pleasure store?
Any record shop.

3. Would you rather be rich, or famous?
Rich.

4. Would you accept a boring job if it meant you would make megabucks?
Possibly for a short time but not for ever, I’d go mad.

5. Have you ever stolen anything?
Yes.

6. How many MP3s are on your hard drive?
996 on the hard drive, plus about 1800 on discs.

PRIDE

1. What's one thing you have done that you're most proud of?
I’m most proud of my kids but I didn’t do anything on my own as far they are concerned.

2. What one thing have you done that your parents are most proud of?
I don’t know because they are both dead.

3. What things would you like to accomplish in your life?
To be healthy, happy and comfortably well off.

4. Do you get annoyed by coming in second place?
Not really, although it depends on what the first prize is.

5. Have you ever entered a contest of skill, knowing you were of much higher skill than all the other competitors?
No.

6. Have you ever cheated on something to get a higher score?
Yes.

7. What did you do today that you're proud of?
I can’t think of anything I’ve done that I’m particularly proud of.

ENVY

1. What item (or person) of your friends would you most want to have for your own?
Nick’s digital home recording equipment.

2. Who would you want to go on "Trading Spaces" with?
Can’t think of anyone.

3. If you could be anyone else in the world, who would you be?
Womble.

4. Have you ever been cheated on?
I don’t know.

5. Have you ever wished you had a physical feature different from your own?
Yes, many times.

6. What inborn trait do you see in others that you wish you had for yourself?
Self-confidence.

And finally here's a link to a video I thought was great and I want to get the full DVD:-

MUSIC OF THE IMAGINATION VIDEO

Well, thasabowtitfurnow so see y'all

Apparently I have been tagged (sorry it's been a while since then):-

1. I am ... skint, a bit fed up and yet feeling ok.
2. I will ... probably have a coffee soon.
3. I want ... a month without any new problems.
4. I see ... everything I look at.
5. I need ... a shit load of money.

I tag:

faffajane
janeygodley
CassandraofTroy
SketchWeasel

Sorry if you've already been tagged.

See y'all

This is the first of these that I'm posting this year, given how things have gone over the last year it probably won't be the last but there you go. I've actually nicked it from a MySpace page but there you go

Full First Name: Andy

Middle Name: Dennis

Birthday: 6th June

Eyes: Blue

Hair: Dirty Blonde

Fav color: Red and Black

Day/Night: Night

Fav Food: Chicken

FRIENDS AND LIFE

Do you ever wish you had another name? Only my middle name

Do you like anyone? Yes

Which one of your friends acts the most like you? None of them, I don’t so anyway

Who's the loudest? Probably Nick but not all the time

Who have you known the longest of your close friends? Big Chris, Nick, Sandy, and Chris Kelly

Who's the shyest? No idea really

Are you close to any family members? Not as close as I used to be

When you cried the most? Can’t say for sure, done a lot over the last couple of years

What's the best feeling in the world? Having kids that love you, actually having anyone that truely loves you

What's the worst feeling? Loneliness

FINISH EACH SENTENCE:

Let's walk on the: Wild Side

Let's run through: A Song

Let's look at the: Stars

What a nice: Day

Where did all the: Years Go

Why can't you: Fix It

Silly, little: Git

Tell me: You Want Me Too

HAVE YOU:

Ran away from home? No

Pictured your crush naked? Yes

Skipped school? Yes

Broken someone's heart? Probably

Been in love? Yes

Cried when someone died? Yes

Wanted someone you knew you couldn't have? Oh,Yes!

Done something embarrassing? Yes, lots

Done a drug? Many

Cried in school? No

RANDOM

Your Good Luck Charm: Don’t have one

Person You Hate Most: Can’t think of anyone really, possibly me

Best Thing That Has Ever Happened To You: Difficult to say what the best ever was, but meeting Niki is probably the best thing in the last year

Fav Ice Cream: Mint Choc Chip

Who Makes you laugh the most? Not sure, it depends on lots of things, mainly my state of mind at the time

Who makes you smile? Scott and Becca, Niki, friends

Has A Crush On You? No One, As far A I Know

Do You Have A Crush On Someone? Yes

HAVE YOU EVER

Fallen for your best friend? Yes, well one of them

Made out with JUST a friend? Yes (although I’m sure that it was really ‘making out’)

Kissed two people in the same day? Yes

Had sex with two different people in the same day?Yes (well at the same time actually, does that count?)

Been rejected? Yes

Been in love? Yes

Been used? Yes

Done something you regret? Lots

Cheated on someone? No (at least I don't think so)

Been called a tease? No

WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON...

You touched? Niki

You talked to on the phone? Niki

You hugged? Niki

You instant messaged? No One

You kissed? Niki

You yelled at? Womble

Who text messaged you? Dan

Who broke your heart? Jo

Who told you they loved you? Niki

So there you go, I'll do a proper post probably tomorrow night or something.

See y'all

I found this game that I thought some of you might find funny, you don't actually score anything but it is fun

GAME LINK

See y'all

I thought I'd start the new year off as it appears to be meaning to go on, with a list of all the things that are worrying me right now. This list is in no specific order at all:-

money, rent, benefits, Niki, Niki's studio stuff, the house, pains, tiredness, farmers, Womble, me, counselling, my health, death.

That's all I can think of at the moment, but there will probably be more before the month is out.

See y'all