Well the week at Niki's Dad's was interesting. The Magic Numbers gig was great and we actually bought a t-shirt that fits us, which was a bonus. We spent some time packing up Niki's studio and have now got it almost completely done. We visited her Dad in hospital about every other day, and I got to meet her sister who I'd never met before, she seems alright but then I don't know her as well as Niki does

I came home from Niki's Dad's on Friday because Scott came to stay for the weekend. Her Dad is not doing brilliantly at the moment he's had three operations now and is a bit fed up of being in hospital. Niki is tired and a bit stressed by it all, but keeps telling me she's fine (why do we both do that?).

Scott came over Friday evening and so did Big Chris who seems a lot happier now than he has for some time, Niki came home on Saturday night after work and was knackered but seemed alright. We had a visit on Saturday night from Blind Lemon Kelly which was great, it's always really good to see him. He came bareing gifts of a video and single by Alexi Sayle which was as brilliant as it was unexpected, thank you Mr Kelly. Scott went home on Sunday and later we had a quick visit from Becca and Lauren, along with cousin Kath, which was really lovely. All in all we had a good weekend.

So now here I sit, Niki has gone over to see her Dad again and help her friend Robin with some work he's got at the studio's. It's strange how sometimes old thoughts stir and old situations start pushing their way back into your thoughts. I'm feeling particularly flat right now and have no idea why, I can feel a mix of anger, depression and fear welling up inside me and I'm fighting not to let it take control. I really have no idea what has started this, not that it's that important, what is important now is to stop it before it gets any worse.

I sometimes look around me and wonder why it is that the older some people get the more they feel the need to play games with others and also why some people seem to revert to almost teenage behaviour, I'm not saying that I act like a responsible adult all of the time and I'm not trying to sound all holier than thou, but these things add to my general feeling of flatness and I just need to get them out of me sometimes.

It's a strange thing that i find hard to understand sometimes but I know that I can't exist without others, I need other people around me to keep me going, and I also know that I have a massive amount of self loathing to try deal with, but sometimes I just want to be alone and not talk to anyone. The thing is that when I had no choice because I was on my own, I hated it and was depressed because of it, but now I sometimes find that I feel like I am fighting for time alone. I hate the confusion and paradoxical nature of my mental state.

Anyway, enough of my grumbling and groaning, I'll see y'all later.