I'm going to start off by posting a couple of odd pictures. The first is off a shop in Goodmayes that has since closed down and been changed but I loved the name of and would love to know more about, and the second is of a sign painted on the back yard entrance of a shop near my house that I have always thought was brilliant and confusing:-

Just how, and why, do you turn 'Keep Out' into a question?

Anyway, onto more serious-ish stuff. I had my last session of counselling today, for some reason they seem to limit these sessions to six weeks. Luckily I have made a good connection with the counsellor and she has helped me a lot, so she has arranged a catch up session at the end of October to see how I'm doing and hopefully help me to prepare for my assesment for the long term counselling in December. Having watched the two part TV programme by Stephen Fry about manic depression and read some blogs about bi-polar sufferers, I have decided that I'm going to get myself checked out. I know that I'm not manic depressive, but I could identify with a lot of the things that the TV programme talked about and having discussed it today with my counsellor (as well as thinking about the advice I got from classicrockchic, thanks for that) I'm going to contact Cardiff University and take there test thingy. I'll report back on the results at some point. I'm a bit worried about becoming unfocused without the counselling to back me up, because that's what I did before, but I'm determined to carry on working at myself and get all this stuff sorted.

My ear is still playing up which is really starting to annoy me, especially as the other one seems to be feeling a bit clogged up now as well. The real problem is the anxiety that the situation is causing me. You see, I know I said I have a problem with the idea of going deaf but I'm not sure that I really expressed just how much this is a problem for me. I would say that I have a major fear of going deaf, to the point that I can honestly say that I'm not 100% sure that I would know how to carry on without being able to hear. Music has been the only real constant thing throughout my life and without it I wouldn't know what to do. Things are different now for me with Niki in my life, but even now I know that I would find life very difficult without being able to listen to or make music (and yes, I know that other deaf people have been able to make music but I think that I would be far too down about not being able to listen to it to get myself together enough to create anything), I don't know for sure just how much of a problem it would be but it's the whole fear of it all that gets to me.

I'm having a big problem with guilt right at the moment. I feel guilty about a lot of things from my past and also about a lot of things going on right now, and I sometimes find it all a bit too much to deal with.

If only I could win the lottery, it wouldn't solve all of my problems but it would help with a lot of the ones that are getting to me at the moment, I hate that fact that I have spent all of my adult life in debt and I have to spend a lot of time living off other people.

I would like to write more in this post but I'm not sure I can at the moment, during the writing of this my mood has slowly gone further and further down and now I'm going to stop.

I've just been looking through some of my friends blogs and found this on classicrockchic she got it from Fatal, so I thought I'd nick it:

1. Your name spelled backwards: werdna
2. Where were your parents born? London
3. What is the last thing you downloaded onto your computer? Can't remember
4. Have you ever been in a school play? Yes
5. Type of music you dislike most? I don’t dislike any particular type of music but I dislike something in almost every type of music (then again I like something in every type of music as well)
6. Are you registered to vote? Yes
7. Do you have a car? No, never had, can’t drive
8. Have you ever ridden on a moped? No
9. Ever prank call anybody? Yes
10. Ever got a parking ticket? No
11. Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving? Not a chance
12. Furthest place you ever traveled? Newcastle
13. Do you have a garden? Yes
14. What’s the size of your bed? Double
15. Do you really know all the words to your national anthem? No
16. Bath or Shower, morning or night? Shower, morning or night depending on how I feel
17. Best movie you’ve seen in the past 4 months? X Men 3
18. What’s the next movie you want to see? The Night Listener
19. Have you ever broken any hearts? Don’t know
20. Are you a good cook? I think so
21. Orange or Apple juice? Orange juice
22. Who was the last person you went out to dinner with and where did you go to? Niki, Nando’s in Camden Town
23. Favorite type of drink? Coffee
24. Best thing in the world? Music and Niki
25. Have you ever broken a bone? No, I’ve fractured a couple but never broken one
26. Have you ever won a trophy? No, a few prize certificates but not a trophy
27. What is your favourite board game? Trivial Pursuit
28. What is your dream car? A stretch Monster Truck or a custom built trike
29. Ever order an article from an infomercial? No
30. Coke or Pepsi? Coke
31. Have you ever had to wear a uniform to work? No
32. Last thing you bought at a pharmacy? Hair bands for Niki
33. Who would you like to meet? Robert Rankin, Bill Bailey
34. Do you believe in love at first sight? Sometimes
35. How many pairs of shoes do you own? 8 I think
36. Last song stuck in your head? Stuck In The Middle With You
37. Any pets? Not at the moment
38. What is one thing you would like to learn to do? Play the piano or the saxophone
39. What do you do when you are bored? Listen to music, moan about being bored, and eat
40. Bacon sandwiches – should they be bread or toast? Bread

Well I've been spraying this anti-biotic stuff into my ear now for five days and it doesn't seem to have made a whole lot of difference except that I now have clear liquid seeping from my ear while I sleep (which is fun), so it's back off to the doctors this morning to ask him what's next, and to make matters worse my right ear has now started clogging up too. At the moment it feels like I've got a small piece of cotton wool lightly dulling the sound through my right ear and a custard filled sock shoved right into my left ear.

As I said in my last post I'm going to post some of my old pictures on my blog, not sure exactly why I'm doing this but it is kind of fun. So here are two pictures of pets. The first is the dog we had, Wolfie, when I lived with my Mum and Dad, and the second is of my two rats, Ozzy (the brown one) and Corky (the white one), all now sadly gone from this world:-

Niki was out yesterday at an interior design show held in the grounds of the Royal Hospital at Chelsea, she was helping a friend to sell some hand printed wall paper that retails at over £400 a roll, and one roll is enough for one drop. Apparently they took orders for quite a few rolls. I worked out that for our current living room we'd need around 12 rolls, that's over £4,800. It's another world.

My brother-in-law, Big Chris, told me last night about a new horror film (which I then read about in a copy of the Metro that Niki brought in with her) from New Zeland called Black Sheep. It looks brilliant, it's about meat eating sheep that attack everyone. I've been looking for more info on the internet but couldn't find much, but if your interested have a look at this LINK or this LINK

Well, things are moving along slowly as far as the move goes, we're starting to pack stuff up and get it all ready. We were going to try to get out of our current contract early so we could get out before the end of October, but according to my letting agent, Woollens in Dagenham Heathway, even if the landlord agrees to us going earlier that the 4th of November (when the contract runs out) we will still have to pay the rent up to that date so there's no point in us going. We are going to get the keys to the new place and move our stuff over before that but it will give us a couple of weeks to make sure everythings is moved and this place is alright. I've got to say that Woollens have been really great as a letting agent right up to the point where my landlord decided to sell this place and I told them that Niki and I wanted to get a two bedroom place together, after that they seemed to just loose interest altogether and have been complete dick heads, I wouldn't mind if I'd been a bad tennant, but I haven't, it really just pisses me off that we've been made to move and because of their attitude and in-action have had to go to a different letting agent which makes things difficult for us, and they seem to act as if we've done something wrong.

Anyway, I'm going to drink my coffee, have a wash and get myself round to the doctors to shout at the receptionist and the doctor, not because I'm upset or angry but just because I can't hear how loudly I'm shoutingD

See y'all

Well, it turns out that I've got some kind ear infection or other. The doctors has given me an anti-biotic spray that I have to squirt into my ear three times a day which then somehow sits inside it for a few hours and then dribbles out all down my neck (oh, how I love being unwell). Still it's only for a maximum of 28 days, so it's not that bad

I have been scanning some old pictures into my computer lately so I thought I'd share some of them with you, a couple at a time. The first two, below, are of me and Old Niq (along with significant others) on stage in Southend and back stage at The Magna Carta bike rally with a band called Klicketty Elephant.

On Channel 4 they ran down the top 100 films as voted for by the viewers and so I thought I'd list them here, the ones in bold are the ones that I've seen (I have seen some of some of the others but not seen them all the way through), anyway here they are:-

1. Star Wars (1977) / The Empire Strikes Back (1980)
2. The Godfather (1972) / The Godfather Part 2 (1974)
3. The Shawshank Redemption (1994)
4. Pulp Fiction (1994)
5. Some Like It Hot (1959)
6. Gladiator (2000)
7. It's A Wonderful Life (1946)
8. Blade Runner (1982)
9. Schindler's List (1993)
10. Goodfellas (1990)
11. Psycho (1960)
12. Jaws (1975)
13. Apocalypse Now (1979)
14. One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest (1975)
15. The Matrix (1999)
16. Casablanca (1942)
17. The Usual Suspects (1995)
18. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (2000)
19. Citizen Kane (1941)
20. Raging Bull (1980)
21. ET (1982)
22. Taxi Driver (1976)
23. Life Of Brian (1979)
24. Singin' In The Rain (1952)
25. LA Confidential (1997)
26. The Wizard Of Oz (1939)
27. 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968)
28. Kes (1969)
29. Vertigo (1958)
30. Lawrence Of Arabia (1962)
31. Fargo (1996)
32. Gone With The Wind (1939)
33. Trainspotting (1996)
34. The Full Monty (1997)
35. The Graduate (1967)
36. Alien (1979)
37. The Silence Of The Lambs (1990)
38. Withnail & I (1987)
39. The Great Escape (1963)
40. Toy Story (1995)
41. The Third Man (1949)
42. Four Weddings And A Funeral (1994)
43. The Sound Of Music (1965)
44. Fitzcarraldo (1982)
45. Deliverance (1972)
46. The Good, The Bad & The Ugly (1966)
47. Kind Hearts And Coronets (1949)
48. Chinatown (1974)
49. The Exorcist (1973)
50. Annie Hall (1977)
51. The Italian Job (1969)
52. Sunset Boulevard (1950)
53. The Jungle Book (1967)
54. Titanic (1998)
55. Jean De Florette (1986) / Manon Des Sources (1986)
56. Dr. Strangelove (1963)
57. Rebel Without A Cause (1955)
58. The Seven Samurai (1954)
59. A Matter Of Life And Death (1946)
60. Butch Cassidy And The Sundance Kid (1969)
61. Secrets & Lies (1995)
62. Blue Velvet (1986)
63. La Dolce Vita (1960)
64. Spartacus (1960)
65. Metropolis (1926)
66. Bonnie And Clyde (1967)
67. King Kong (1933)
68. Get Carter (1971)
69. The Searchers (1956)
70. The Seventh Seal (1957)
71. Don't Look Now (1973)
72. Brief Encounter (1945)
73. M*A*S*H (1970)
74. The French Connection (1971)
75. Top Hat (1935)
76. The Producers (1968)
77. Three Colours: Blue (1993) / Three Colours: White (1993) / Three Colours: Red (1994)
78. Cabaret (1972)
79. Goldfinger (1964)
80. Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs (1937)
81. The Gold Rush (1925)
82. High Noon (1952)
83. Saturday Night Fever (1977)
84. The Adventures Of Robin Hood (1938)
85. Enter The Dragon (1973)
86. Breathless (A Bout De Souffle) (1960)
87. Ice Cold In Alex (1958)
88. Battleship Potemkin (1925)
89. The African Queen (1951)
90. The General (1926)
91. A Hard Day's Night (1964)
92. Way Out West (1937)
93. Henry V (1944)
94. Easy Rider (1969)
95. My Beautiful Laundrette (1985)
96. Belle De Jour (1967)
97. The Bride Of Frankenstein (1935)
98. The Terminator (1984)
99. Saturday Night And Sunday Morning (1960)
100. Do The Right Thing (1989)

Well, things are going kind of well-ish, although I had to cancel my counselling session on Friday as my ear was giving me so much trouble, so I went to the doctors instead, but they let me re-arrange it for next week. The moveing thing is set to go ahead and it seems that we'll be lucky enough to have two weeks to move stuff and get the new place sorted out before we actually leave this flat, but what it does mean is that I may well be off line for a week or two after we move so there may not be any postings between the 21st of October and the middle to the end of November.

Anyway, can't think of much else to say right now, so I'll see y'all later.

Well, it's been a while since my last proper blog entry, so I suppose I better start off by going over what's been happening while I've "been away".

Niki's friend and her husband came to stay with us. It was a bit odd (she's American, he's Mexican and they both live in Canada now), they seemed a bit too caught up in the "tourist" thing for my liking some of the time, but I suppose that's just the way it goes. I hate that people around the world have a slightly blinkered, media driven view of Britain and that the tourist industry just reinforces this so much. But on they are really nice people and on the whole it was a good time.

Niki and I have been looking for flat and houses, and have looked at a few. We've now found ourselves a house that says it's got three bedroom but actually has two bedrooms and a large cupboard with a window in it, unfortunately it's in Romford buy hey, you can't have everything (where would you keep it all?). It need a lot of work doing to it, but we've managed to get ourselves a long tenancy in return for offering to do the decorating ourselves, which means we can do it the way we want instaed of living in a bland realisation of somebody elses view of "neutral", namely Magnolia or Brown and Cream. We should be moving somewhere around the begining of November-ish, but I will let everyone know, mainly because we'll probably be off-line for a little while when we first move.

The counselling has been going well, but has been hard work and I've been feeling pretty drained emotionally after each session. Unfortunately this "day-to-day" counselling thing is only for six weeks so this Friday is my last session, but I have got a date for the assesment interview for the more in depth counselling so hopefully that will start before the end of the year and I might actually be able to start dealing with some of the stuff that keeps me awake until ridiculous hours of the morning and gets me down so much (but what will I blog about then?).

I'm having a bit of a problem at the moment with ear ache, my left ear seems to be continually clogged up with something and no matter what I do to try to clear it it doesn't seem to make a lot of difference. The problem is that it's stressing me out a bit because I have a huge fear of going deaf. I have tried some different ear dropps but I think that I may have inflamed the inside of my ear and it's swollen up so I'm going to leave it for a few days and see if the swelling goes down and then see if the doctor can help, not that he did last time but you never know. The weird thing is that I don't remember having anywhere near as many problems with this kind of thing before I moved into this flat, but I don't see how living here can have any effect on it.

I have a great time a couple of weekends ago when Old Niq, Big Chris and Mr Kelly came round for the night on Saturday. It was really good to get together again, even if none of us actually talked about any of the things that were getting us all down, but we did chat and laugh and eat, and it was really great to have a boys night again.

Everything's going fine with my kids, although I can't believe that Scott is in (possibly) his last year at school and Becca and Jay have just started Lauren at school as well. God I feel old.

I can't think of much else to say right now so I'll be off, see y'all.

And so the day is upon us, me harties, more of all this to come, I'll blog more later, shiver me timbers!

Got this from Faffajane’s blog who got if from Znethru who got it from Ros Clarke (Although I changed the top bit a bit).

• Bold: books you’ve read
• Italics: books you’ve started but not finished
• Ordinary print: books you’ve never read

1. The Lord of the Rings, JRR Tolkien
2. Pride and Prejudice, Jane Austen
3. His Dark Materials, Philip Pullman
4. The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, Douglas Adams
5. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, JK Rowling
6. To Kill a Mockingbird, Harper Lee
7. Winnie the Pooh, AA Milne
8. 1984, George Orwell
9. The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, CS Lewis
10. Jane Eyre, Charlotte Bronte
11. Catch-22, Joseph Heller
12. Wuthering Heights, Emily Bronte
13. Birdsong, Sebastian Faulks
14. Rebecca, Daphne du Maurier
15. The Catcher in the Rye, JD Salinger
16. The Wind in the Willows, Kenneth Grahame
17. Great Expectations, Charles Dickens
18. Little Women, Louisa May Alcott
19. Captain Corelli’s Mandolin, Louis de Bernieres
20. War and Peace, Leo Tolstoy
21. Gone with the Wind, Margaret Mitchell
22. Harry Potter And The Sorcerer’s Philosopher’s Stone, JK Rowling
23. Harry Potter And The Chamber Of Secrets, JK Rowling
24. Harry Potter And The Prisoner Of Azkaban, JK Rowling
25. The Hobbit, JRR Tolkien
26. Tess Of The D’Urbervilles, Thomas Hardy
27. Middlemarch, George Eliot
28. A Prayer For Owen Meany, John Irving
29. The Grapes Of Wrath, John Steinbeck
30. Alice’s Adventures In Wonderland, Lewis Carroll
31. The Story Of Tracy Beaker, Jacqueline Wilson
32. One Hundred Years Of Solitude, Gabriel Garcia Marquez
33. The Pillars Of The Earth, Ken Follett
34. David Copperfield, Charles Dickens
35. Charlie And The Chocolate Factory, Roald Dahl
36. Treasure Island, Robert Louis Stevenson
37. A Town Like Alice, Nevil Shute
38. Persuasion, Jane Austen
39. Dune, Frank Herbert
40. Emma, Jane Austen
41. Anne Of Green Gables, LM Montgomery
42. Watership Down, Richard Adams
43. The Great Gatsby, F Scott Fitzgerald
44. The Count Of Monte Cristo, Alexandre Dumas
45. Brideshead Revisited, Evelyn Waugh
46. Animal Farm, George Orwell
47. A Christmas Carol, Charles Dickens
48. Far From The Madding Crowd, Thomas Hardy
49. Goodnight Mister Tom, Michelle Magorian
50. The Shell Seekers, Rosamunde Pilcher
51. The Secret Garden, Frances Hodgson Burnett
52. Of Mice And Men, John Steinbeck
53. The Stand, Stephen King
54. Anna Karenina, Leo Tolstoy
55. A Suitable Boy, Vikram Seth
56. The BFG, Roald Dahl
57. Swallows And Amazons, Arthur Ransome
58. Black Beauty, Anna Sewell
59. Artemis Fowl, Eoin Colfer
60. Crime And Punishment, Fyodor Dostoyevsky
61. Noughts And Crosses, Malorie Blackman
62. Memoirs Of A Geisha, Arthur Golden
63. A Tale Of Two Cities, Charles Dickens
64. The Thorn Birds, Colleen McCollough
65. Mort, Terry Pratchett
66. The Magic Faraway Tree, Enid Blyton – what?
67. The Magus, John Fowles
68. Good Omens, Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman
69. Guards! Guards!, Terry Pratchett
70. Lord Of The Flies, William Golding
71. Perfume, Patrick Susskind
72. The Ragged Trousered Philanthropists, Robert Tressell
73. Night Watch, Terry Pratchett
74. Matilda, Roald Dahl
75. Bridget Jones's Diary, Helen Fielding
76. The Secret History, Donna Tartt
77. The Woman In White, Wilkie Collins
78. Ulysses, James Joyce
79. Bleak House, Charles Dickens
80. Double Act, Jacqueline Wilson
81. The Twits, Roald Dahl
82. I Capture The Castle, Dodie Smith
83. Holes, Louis Sachar
84. Gormenghast, Mervyn Peake
85. The God Of Small Things, Arundhati Roy
86. Vicky Angel, Jacqueline Wilson
87. Brave New World, Aldous Huxley
88. Cold Comfort Farm, Stella Gibbons
89. Magician, Raymond E Feist
90. On The Road, Jack Kerouac
91. The Godfather, Mario Puzo
92. The Clan Of The Cave Bear, Jean M Auel
93. The Colour Of Magic, Terry Pratchett
94. The Alchemist, Paulo Coelho
95. Katherine, Anya Seton
96. Kane And Abel, Jeffrey Archer
97. Love In The Time Of Cholera, Gabriel Garcia Marquez
98. Girls In Love, Jacqueline Wilson
99. The Princess Diaries, Meg Cabot
100. Midnight's Children, Salman Rushdie
101. Three Men In A Boat, Jerome K. Jerome
102. Small Gods, Terry Pratchett
103. The Beach, Alex Garland
104. Dracula, Bram Stoker
105. Point Blanc, Anthony Horowitz
106. The Pickwick Papers, Charles Dickens
107. Stormbreaker, Anthony Horowitz
108. The Wasp Factory, Iain Banks
109. The Day Of The Jackal, Frederick Forsyth
110. The Illustrated Mum, Jacqueline Wilson
111. Jude The Obscure, Thomas Hardy
112. The Secret Diary Of Adrian Mole Aged 13 1/2, Sue Townsend
113. The Cruel Sea, Nicholas Monsarrat
114. Les Miserables, Victor Hugo [Film version 1998]
115. The Mayor Of Casterbridge, Thomas Hardy
116. The Dare Game, Jacqueline Wilson
117. Bad Girls, Jacqueline Wilson
118. The Picture Of Dorian Gray, Oscar Wilde
119. Shogun, James Clavell
120. The Day Of The Triffids, John Wyndham
121. Lola Rose, Jacqueline Wilson
122. Vanity Fair, William Makepeace Thackeray
123. The Forsyte Saga, John Galsworthy
124. House Of Leaves, Mark Z. Danielewski
125. The Poisonwood Bible, Barbara Kingsolver
126. Reaper Man, Terry Pratchett
127. Angus, Thongs And Full-Frontal Snogging, Louise Rennison
128. The Hound Of The Baskervilles, Arthur Conan Doyle
129. Possession, A. S. Byatt
130. The Master And Margarita, Mikhail Bulgakov
131. The Handmaid’s Tale, Margaret Atwood
132. Danny The Champion Of The World, Roald Dahl
133. East Of Eden, John Steinbeck
134. George's Marvellous Medicine, Roald Dahl
135. Wyrd Sisters, Terry Pratchett
136. The Color Purple, Alice Walker
137. Hogfather, Terry Pratchett
138. The Thirty-Nine Steps, John Buchan
139. Girls In Tears, Jacqueline Wilson
140. Sleepovers, Jacqueline Wilson
141. All Quiet On The Western Front, Erich Maria Remarque
142. Behind The Scenes At The Museum, Kate Atkinson
143. High Fidelity, Nick Hornby
144. It, Stephen King
145. James And The Giant Peach, Roald Dahl
146. The Green Mile, Stephen King
147. Papillon, Henri Charriere
148. Men At Arms, Terry Pratchett
149. Master And Commander, Patrick O'Brian
150. Skeleton Key, Anthony Horowitz
151. Soul Music, Terry Pratchett
152. Thief Of Time, Terry Pratchett
153. The Fifth Elephant, Terry Pratchett
154. Atonement, Ian McEwan
155. Secrets, Jacqueline Wilson
156. The Silver Sword, Ian Serraillier
157. One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest, Ken Kesey
158. Heart Of Darkness, Joseph Conrad
159. Kim, Rudyard Kipling
160. Cross Stitch, Diana Gabaldon (called Outlander in the US and Canada)
161. Moby Dick, Herman Melville
162. River God, Wilbur Smith
163. Sunset Song, Lewis Grassic Gibbon
164. The Shipping News, Annie Proulx
165. The World According To Garp, John Irving
166. Lorna Doone, R. D. Blackmore
167. Girls Out Late, Jacqueline Wilson
168. The Far Pavilions, M. M. Kaye
169. The Witches, Roald Dahl
170. Charlotte's Web, E. B. White
171. Frankenstein, Mary Shelley
172. They Used To Play On Grass, Terry Venables and Gordon Williams
173. The Old Man And The Sea, Ernest Hemingway
174. The Name Of The Rose, Umberto Eco
175. Sophie’s World, Jostein Gaarder
176. Dustbin Baby, Jacqueline Wilson
177. Fantastic Mr. Fox, Roald Dahl
178. Lolita, Vladimir Nabokov
179. Jonathan Livingstone Seagull, Richard Bach
180. The Little Prince, Antoine De Saint-Exupery
181. The Suitcase Kid, Jacqueline Wilson
182. Oliver Twist, Charles Dickens
183. The Power Of One, Bryce Courtenay
184. Silas Marner, George Eliot
185. American Psycho, Bret Easton Ellis
186. The Diary Of A Nobody, George and Weedon Grossmith
187. Trainspotting, Irvine Welsh
188. Goosebumps, R. L. Stine
189. Heidi, Johanna Spyri
190. Sons And Lovers, D. H. Lawrence
191. The Unbearable Lightness of Being, Milan Kundera
192. Man And Boy, Tony Parsons
193. The Truth, Terry Pratchett
194. The War Of The Worlds, H. G. Wells
195. The Horse Whisperer, Nicholas Evans
196. A Fine Balance, Rohinton Mistry
197. Witches Abroad, Terry Pratchett
198. The Once And Future King, T. H. White
199. The Very Hungry Caterpillar, Eric Carle
200. Flowers In The Attic, Virginia Andrews

I have no idea exactly what, if anything, this shows about anything. I may not have read many of the books on this list (which comes from I know not where) but I have read a lot more that are not on this list but I feel are just as worthy of listing as all those that are on the list, so ther ya go.

See y'all