So here I sit, listening to the light snoring of both Niki and Scott. I didn't realise just how hard it would be to do a blog entry with both of them here, but there you go. It's been an ok weekend, Scott's been here since Saturday lunch time and as far as I know (although with him it could change any time) he's staying until tomorrow. We haven't done a huge amount but it has been good having both him and Niki here, it almost feels like having a family again. Today we are going to Romford, no I'm not sure why either, and we're going to go to the pictures to see X-Men 3 so it should be a pretty good day.

I've still been feeling a bit down and still have no idea exactly why, one thing that I have noticed over the last few weeks is that I feel myself missing my parents a lot at the moment, I don't know why it should be that I'm missing them more now than I normally do but that's just the way of things I've come to realise. I haven't really said a lot to anyone about it, after all it's not like anyone can actually do anything about it. I've also been feeling a lot of guilt lately, mainly to do with me not having money and/or a job and so spending a lot of time with Niki paying for things, I know that I relied on and maybe even used my ex far too much as far as money was concerned and that it must have been one of the factors in our breakup and I was determined not to get into the same situation again, but I have and it really pisses me off that I am, once again, living off someone else. The problem is, and I think this is one reason it gets me down so much, that I can't really do anything about it at the moment (well not anything legal, and knowing my luck if I tried anything illegal I'd only get caught).

I sometimes just want to scream and smash things, but I don't have that much to smash and the screaming is only any good if I can do it without anyone coming running to see what the matter is

I don't know what I'm going to do but I do know that I need to come up with an idea or two soon.

Anyway, Niki and I are off to Sutton on Thursday and won't be back until late Monday night, the day before my birthday (for which I am doing bugger all, except getting my old three piece suite out of the flat so it can be collected by the council for disposal), so I doubt if I'll be putting anything on here while I'm away, but you never know.

See y'all

This is just as a reminder to all my friends and family:

http://www.bleacheatingfreaks.com/makeacountdown/?id=192767

Alright, here I go again banging on about my son-in-law's band, but I've got to try to find some way of making him rich and famous so that he can keep my daughter in the manner that she would like to become acustomed.

So here are the details:

The band are called A13 - they are a three piece pop/punk band (in the same sort of vain as Blink 182 and Green Day) from Essex. This is a link to their My Space page http://www.myspace.com/a13theband (and they have now changed the background so no more head aches).

They have two gigs coming up, the first is at Bewicks in Maldon, Essex on the 9th of June, and the second is at The Standard Music Venue in Walthamstow (nearest tube Blackhorse Road) on the 22nd of June.

I think they are worth checking out if you're into that style of punk, they have had some interest from a couple of record labels and need to build up a bigger fan base to get those companies more interested, so if you like what you hear on their My Space page or find yourself at a loose end on either of those dates why not check them out.

Take the quiz:
Which Dead Rock Star Are You?

Richey Edwards
You are Richey James Edwards! You're a manic! You aren't too good when it comes to making music, but you're smart and can write well. You're honest and quiet, but different. You are beautiful! Oh, he disappeared in 1995 while on tour with his band Manic Street Preachers.

Quizzes by myYearbook.com -- the World's Biggest Yearbook!

Maybe the people who know me will tell me if they agree or not.

Just had to post this link

http://www.i-am-bored.com/bored_link.cfm?link_id=17552

Go to it and you can watch the video for the Finland Eurovision song by Lordi.

Ok, so I was tagged by Lyndlj to list ten fictional characters that I wouldn't say no to. I found this a bit difficult for two main reasons, firstly there aren't that many female characters in films or on TV (or even in books, comics, or on radio for that matter) that fit in with the type of woman that turns me on; secondly I find it hard to seperate the fictional character from the actress playing her so most of my choices are based on women I would probably find attractive in almost any role which is why I've also included the actresses names when listing them. Having said all of that here are my ten in no particular order of preference:

1. Geraldine Granger (Dawn French) - The Vicar Of Dibley.

2. Annie Porter (Sandra Bullock) - Speed.

3. Maddy Magellan (Caroline Quentin) - Jonathan Creek.

4. Carla Borrego (Julia Sawalha) - Jonathan Creek.

5. Annie Palmer (Nadia Sawalha) - Eastenders. The only time it has ever been worth watching.

6. Sandra Pullman (Amanda Redman) - New Tricks. The token blonde

7. Linda Green (Liza Tarbuck) - Linda Green.

8. Kareena Ferreria (Pooja Shah) - Eastenders. The only other reason to have ever watched it.

9. Elena Montero / Murrieta (Catherine Zeta Jones) - The Mask Of Zorro.

10. Katrina (Marissa Winokur) - Stacked. Much more attractive than Pamela Anderson has ever been or ever will be.

I nicked this from Oldniq who nicked it from Lyndlj, who got it from Paddy, and I left in Oldniq's comments about the questions Lyndlj left out:

1. NAME ONE OF YOUR SCARS, HOW DID YOU GET IT? I don’t have many scars and I can’t remember how I got the few I have.
2. WHAT IS ON THE WALLS OF YOUR ROOM? Paint, and a couple of photos of family, and a clock.
3. WHAT DOES YOUR MOBILE PHONE LOOK LIKE? A little silver mobile phone, or possibly a shrunken car, as they all look the same to me these days.
4. WHAT MUSIC DO YOU LISTEN TOO? Just about everything from heavy metal to opera via folk and jazz.
5. WHAT IS YOUR CURRENT DESKTOP PICTURE? A bazaar Celtic knot type design that I drew myself.
6. WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW? Health, wealth and happiness.
7. WHAT DO YOU MISS? Niki and my family.
8. WHAT TIME WERE YOU BORN? 9.55 pm.
9. There is no number 9, lyndj you naughty girl, doing a bit of editing huh?
10. WHAT ENDED YOUR LAST RELATIONSHIP? A mixture of my addictions, my inability to see that it was going wrong and do something about it, and my ex-wife’s desire to have a better life.
11. DO YOU GET SCARED IN THE DARK? No.
12. THE LAST PERSON TO MAKE YOU CRY? Me.
13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE COLOGNE/PERFUME? I like wearing Wilderness from Avon, and I like D & G Feminine on women.
14. WHAT TYPE OF HAIR/EYE COLOUR DO YOU LIKE ON THE OPPOSITE SEX? I love brunettes, not bothered about the eye colour.
15. DO YOU LIKE PAINKILLERS? Only when I have a pain and they take it away.
16. COFFEE OR ENERGY DRINKS? Coffee, or perhaps an energy drink with a large spoonful of coffee in it.
17. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE PIZZA TOPPING? Anything hot and spicy, and without black olives.
18. IF YOU COULD EAT ANYTHING RIGHT NOW, WHAT WOULD IT BE? Blue Stilton and Mango Chutney.
19. WHO IS THE LAST PERSON YOU MADE MAD? I don’t know you’d have to ask them, It might have been Niki, I’m not sure.
20. DO YOU SPEAK ANOTHER LANGUAGE? I used to speak fluent drunk but nowadays just get by with a smattering of complete rubbish.
21. WHAT WAS THE FIRST GIFT THAT SOMEONE EVER GAVE YOU? I can’t remember, I suppose the first gift I remember being given as a child was a fort that my brother-in-law made for me.
22. DO YOU LIKE SOMEONE? I like lots of people, but if you mean in some kind of special way then, yes, I do.
23. ARE YOU DOUBLE JOINTED? No, nobody is really.
24. FAVOURITE CLOTHING BRAND? Don’t have one, don’t do that kind of brand name thing.
25. WHAT IS YOUR DREAM CAR? A trike.
26. Again, no number 26, what are you hiding lyndj?
27. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF MARRIAGE? It’s alright, it has its good and bad points, but I don’t know if it’s for me really.
28. WOULD YOU FALL IN LOVE KNOWING THAT THE PERSON IS LEAVING? It would depend on the person and why they were leaving, on the whole I don’t think you can choose who to fall in love with or when to fall in love, it just happens.
29. WHAT IS THE BEST WAY TO TELL SOMEONE HOW MUCH THEY MEAN TO YOU? By the things you do and the way you treat then every day.
30. SAY A NUMBER FROM ONE TO A HUNDRED: 72
31. BLONDES OF BRUNETTES? Brunettes.
32. WHAT IS THE ONE NUMBER YOU CALL MOST OFFTEN? Don’t think I really have one.
33. WHAT ANNOYS YOU THE MOST? Bigotry and being ignored.
34. HAVE YOU BEEN OUT OF ENGLAND? Not as such, went on a ferry to France once but didn’t get off because I was too drunk.
35. YOUR WEAKNESS? Too many to mention.
36. WHAT WAS THE LAST GIFT YOU RECEIVED? A copy of Record Collector that Niki bought for me yesterday.
37. FIRST JOB? Trainee butcher in a supermarket in Edgware, North London.
38. EVER DONE A PRANK CALL? Yes, a few times.
39. WHAT WHERE YOU DOING BEFORE YOU FILLED OUT THIS FORM? Talking to Scott about the PS2 game I got him off ebay a few weeks ago.
40. IF YOU COULD GET PLASTIC SURGERY, WHAT WOULD IT BE? Nothing, don’t believe in it unless it’s to help with some kind of disfigurement or deformity.
41. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU BEEN IN LOVE? 4 times, I think.
42. WHAT DO YOU GET COMPLIMENTED ABOUT THE MOST? I don’t know, I dismiss compliments so quickly that they don’t register a lot of the time.
43. WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF ALCOHOL BECAME ILLEGAL? Hope that we didn’t end up with gangsters having gun battles in the streets like they did in America during prohibition.
44. WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY? Haven’t got a clue, but winning the lottery would be nice.
45. HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU WANT? Just the 2 that I’ve got.
46. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? No, but my mother did give me the middle name of Dennis because I was born on the anniversary of D Day.
47. DO YOU WISH ON STARS? No
48. WHICH OF YOUR FINGERS IS YOUR FAVOURITE? None of them.
49. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY? Can’t remember exactly, but sometime around Christmas I think.
50. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? No, I hate it so much that I write everything in capitals and have done ever since I left school.
51. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE VEGETABLE? Christopher Reeve (sorry couldn’t help a least one sick joke)
52. ANY BAD HABITS? Too many to name, although less now than a few years ago.
53. WHAT IS YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING CD ON THE SHELF? It’s not mine, it’s Niki’s but I would say it’s any of the Coldplay CD’s or the Anthony & The Johnsons CD.
54. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? Probably not, but then I have a problem with low self esteem.
55. HAVE YOU EVER TOLD A SECRET YOU SWORE NOT TO TELL? Not that I can remember but I might have done.
56. DO LOOKS MATTER? They seem to matter to a lot of other people and society as a whole, but not to me.
57. HOW DO YOU RELEASE YOUR ANGER? I suppose I shout and smash things, but I try not to get angry these days.
58. WHERE IS YOUR SECOND HOME? I don’t have one, I’m not even sure that I have a first home.
59. DO YOU TRUST OTHERS EASILY? Sometimes, it depends on the person, the circumstances and my state of mind.
60. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVOURITE TOY AS A CHILD? Not sure, probably the fort that I mentioned in question 21.
61. HOW MANY NUMBERS ARE IN YOUR CELL PHONE? Hang on I’ll check, 17.
62. DO YOU USE SARCASM? Only all the time.
63. Again with the missing questions Lyndj.
64. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN A MOSH PIT? Yes, but many years ago.
65. WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A GUY/GIRL? Good personality, good sense of humour, tolerence of others, huge breasts and brunette hair.
66. WHAT ARE YOUR NICK NAMES? Big Andy, Big A, A.
67. WHAT IS THE MOST PAIN YOU HAVE EVER EXPERIENCED? Having an angiogram, it was worse than actually having the heart attack in the first place.
68. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? Sometimes, it depends on what shoes I’m wearing.
69. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU SPILLED? Don’t remember.
70. Another one missing!!!!!
71. WHATS THE LAST FURRY THING YOU TOUCHED? That’s a rather personal question but seriously it was probably one of the cats at Sutton.
72. WHAT ARE YOUR FAVOURITE COLOURS? Black and red.
73. WHAT ARE YOUR FAVOURITE BANDS/SINGERS? Ozzy Osbourne, Black Sabbath, Thin Lizzy, Beth Orton, and probably others depending on my mood.
74. HOW MANY WISDOME TEETH DO YOU HAVE? None as far as I know.
75. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS? I’m not really bothered.
76. WHO ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? Not listening to music, Scott is watching ‘Myth Busters’ on TV.
77. LAST THING YOU ATE? A piece of Sweet Bread.
78. THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? The man at the take away chicken place about twenty minutes ago.
79. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ON THE OPPOSITE SEX? Eyes, smile, breasts, in that order (depending on the size of the breasts).
80. FAVOURITE TOUGHT PROVOKING SONG? The band played Waltzing Matilda by Eric Bogle.
81. FAVOURITE THING TO HATE? Bigotry and being ignored.
82. FAVOURITE DRINK? Coffee or cream soda.
83. FAVOURITE ZODIAC SIGN? Don’t have one.
84. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE SPORT? Don’t really have one, like watching some don’t like doing any.
85. WHAT IS YOUR HAIR COLOUR? Skin, most of the time, or dirty blonde.
86. EYE COLOUR? Blue.
87. Missing in action again.
88. SIBLINGS? Yes, but not as many as I used to have.
89. FAVOURITE MONTH? Don’t have one.
90. DO YOU LIKE SUSHI? Yes, but only some of it.
91. LAST THING YOU WATCHED? A video on-line of a mash-up of Missy Elliott and Joy Division.
92. FAVOURITE DAY OF THE YEAR? Don’t have one.
93. ARE YOU TOO SHY TO ASK SOMEONE OUT? I depends on the someone, the circumstances and my state of mind at the time.
94. SUMMER OR WINTER? Summer.
95. KISSES OR HUGS? Both.
96. RELATIONSHIPS OR ONE-NIGHT STANDS? Both depending on the person involved, the circumstances and my state of mind.
97. WHO IS MOST LIKLEY TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS? Anyone that wants to.
98. WHO IS LEAST LIKELY TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS? Anyone that doesn’t want to.
99. BIGGEST FEAR? Dying alone.
100. IS ANYONE IN LOVE WITH YOU? Yes.

I'm going to start off with another bit of a plug for my son-in-laws band, this is a track which is available to download from their My Space page, but as I know it's a bit of a pain to read at the moment I'm also posting it here, it's called "Out For The Summer" and you can listen to it by clicking on the link below:

Well, Niki has gone off for another weekend away at Sutton with the rabbits and cats, and Scott is staying here this weekend. It was her birthday on Wednesday and unfortunately due to money, time, and health reasons, I managed to buy her absolutely bugger all, which made me feel like crap. I really do manage to feed my guilt demon sooooo well!

The doctor says that for a nearly 43 year old man who is a recovering alcoholic, ex-smoker, overweight with an inoperably heart condition, I'm perfectly healthy, whatever that means. I'm pissed off that I've apparently put some weight back on, I've got to get off my arse and get back onto this diet and exercise thing that I started with but seems to have gone out the window in the last 4 or 5 months.

This is just a quick post to plug my son-in-law's bands gig on the 22 of June at The Standard in Walthamstow, the band is called A13 and there is a link to there main My Space page in my sites list on this blog for anyone that's interested, for full details of the gig and venue follow this LINK

This is in preperation for Talk Like A Pirate Day on September 19th

What kind of pirate am I? You decide!
You can also view a breakdown of results or put one of these on your own page!
Brought to you by Rum and Monkey

Well lets start off with the fact that the 99p three piece suite arrived safely last week, and one of the first things that happened was that a two pence piece feel out of the sofa, so it only cost us 97p!! It's not a bad three piece, not brilliant but solid and in good condition so even with the cost of transporting it from Edgware to here it was a bargin.

After much searching on Ebay, I was unable to get a Gibson SG for Oldniq for 99p but I did manage to get a Tony Iommi Gibson SG for £2.50, so when it arrives I'll let him know and he can come and get it

I'm still feeling a bit down and still don't know why. To add to the situation I now have quite bad neck ache and back ache, plus some acheing in my knees and arms, I'm also feeling quite tired and run down but finding it hard to relax and sleep. Niki thinks I might be coming down with flu or something, I hope not because I really get pissed off with feeling like that, still time will tell.

More than many times, I find myself sitting on my own in a darkening room with my mind unable to focus on anything but also unable to focus on nothing and so let me rest. Why does my mind keep up it's constant searching for something to think about even when it knows that all I want it to do is settle down and rest and so allow me to do the same? I wouldn't mind if it was finding something creative for me to do, but unfortunately it settles on things so fleetingly that I can almost never see anything creative through to it's end in one sitting, and I have to do it in bits, waiting and hopeing in between that my butterfly mind will once again settle on the same bloom of creativity.

So here I sit drinking my morning coffe, which differs slightly from coffe at any other time of the day because it has two and a half spoons of instant coffee (it used to be properly brewed ground coffee but I don't have that much now as I'm the only one that drinks it), musing on the day ahead and wrestling with a dilema from the day gone.

Right here it is. There have been a fair few celebrities accused of, and in some cases found guilty of, crimes connected with child pornography in recent years and on the whole none of them have ever really bothered me because I haven't had any major feelings about those people as performers, now I find myself in a different and difficult position. Chris Langham, a comedian and writer that I have admired for many years, has been arrested and released on bail, and had been charged with 17 counts of child pornography. He denies the charges, as anyone would I think, but the fact that his arrest came after a long and wide ranging police investigation covering the whole of south east England must bring question on the likelyhood of them not having evidence to back up the charges. I'm not saying that it isn't possibly for him to be innocent, and to be honest I hope he is, but I think the police must be pretty sure of their facts to have actually arrested and charged him. My dilema is this, the exact nature of the charges against him aside I feel that this kind of pornography is absolutely wrong and were it any one else I would be hopeing for them to be found guilty (not that I think it would stop this kind of thing from happening, it is in the nature of the human animal to exploit the vunerable) but because of my likeing and admiration for Chris Langham as a performer and writer I find myself hopeing he is found innocent, I suppose for the purely selfish reason that I wouldn't like to see his carreer stopped and all his past work rubbished because if this. I'm finding it hard to resolve this dilema in my head, and just hope it doesn't get dragged out for months and splashed all over the tabloids, although I know that if he is found guilty I will be left with the dilema of still admireing his work but hateing what he is and if he is found innocent I know that there will still be this black cloud hanging over his name probably for the rest of his life and it will affect both his future career and the re-showing of his past work. I know that my dilema may sound very selfish but I can't help it, I relate to this situation by how it may affect me, maybe if I knew him and his family or knew any of the children involved and their families personally then my feelings would be different, but I don't.

Well, I've been sitting here for the last half an hour or so just looking at the computer screen thinking about what to write, and I've come up with nothing. A lot has happened over the last week or so but to be honest I can't be bothered to think of the words to put it all in, so this is all I'm going to write.

See y'all

May I first wish everyone a Happy Star Wars Day.

I hope everyone in the UK has voted today, I believe strongly that we should all exercise our right to vote.

Starting off today with something that I find absolutely incredible. It seems to be a bit of quiet time on ebay at the moment, things aren't selling as often or for as much as they have been and there seem to be less people bidding on stuff that I've been buying (which is great because it keeps the prices down), what this has meant is that today I managed to buy a perfectly good three piece suit (consisting of a two seater setee and two armchairs) in good condition for ...... are you ready for this ....... 99p!!!!! All I have to do now is get it collected from the seller, which isn't too much of a problem as they are only in North London. God I love ebay sometimes

On a not so up note I'm still having problems with the dark thoughts. I had a panic attack this morning, the first one in over a year, which freaked Niki out a bit, and then spent the next hour or so just spewing forth the kind of stuff that goes around inside my head every minute of every day. I would write it all out for you but it's really not something I feel in the right frame of mind to do. Suffice it to say that I feel that a large part of my life has been a complete waste of time (both mine and everyone elses) but I know that the only person to blame for my situation is me. I honestly feel that I have spent my entire adult life fighting just to exist and I'm getting tired of the fight, sometimes I just want to stop fighting and give up. I said the other day that I thought that I lived my life through others, well I am now also sure that to a very large extent I carry on living my life for others, the only problem with that is that there is only so many time that you can convince yourself it's the right thing to do. I haven't slipped as far down as I was last year, and I don't think I will with Niki in my life, she has given me another reason to carry on, but I know that she (and the relationship I have with her) is not the answer to ALL my problems and there is still a lot of stuff that I need to sort out myself. The question is, if I deal with these things will it really make any difference or will my life just be the same, and am I ready for the things that dealing with them may bring up from the depths of my mind. The answer to those questions is, I haven't got a bloody clue!

I can’t make my mind up what it is that causes me to start hiding in the shadows at the back of my mind, afflicted with some kind of strange mental paranoia that stops me from going into the more crowded open and light places that occupy most of my mind. It’s almost as if my self feels more comfortable and at home in the darkness than it does in the light, once again my imagination rests fleetingly on the image of an emotional vampire, unable to go into the light without feeding on the emotions of others around me, drawing strength and purpose from them, but scuttling quickly back into the shadows when there is no one around to feed on. It is not just a lack of self belief or self worth, I truly believe it has become (maybe even mutated into) a way of life, a way of dealing with the world and getting through it without really connecting to it because I only experience it through the emotions and lives of those around me. It used to be that when I didn’t have anyone to feed off I could draw the same kind of energy and life force from alcohol, drugs and music, but now that two of those are gone I find that when I am on my own I am often unable to function properly (at least to the level at which I would like to) and thus find it hard to motivate myself to do anything on my own. Looking at all this it makes complete sense to me, although I have no doubt that some others may well read it and think me mad (which I may well be), but I can’t help thinking that it might well be just another excuse that my mind has concocted just to try to get out of having to deal with things. I do believe, more and more, that a lot of the time I am fighting my own mind to make my life work, and at times I’m not sure who’s winning because it’s sometimes difficult to work out who’s who. The question is, if it is true that I am fighting against my own mind then perhaps it is my mind that is telling me this and so therefore it may not be true in which case my mind would not need to tell me it was, unless I am actually mad. I have thought that I may be mad, not in a kind of psycho tearing people apart or shouting and frothing at the mouth way, but in a quiet introverted way where the madness manifests itself it my inability to deal with my own life and my self, and so my mind creates lives and worlds and histories to live instead and fuels them by using the energy of other peoples emotions and life forces, maybe that is why I get on so well with children and animals because they are full of life and energy. I really don’t know if any of these makes even the slightest bit of real sense, but strangely it seems to explain a lot of things to me, if only I could find some way of finding out if any of it is true.

This is one that I got sent by Faffajane, with a couple of slight changes:

1. What time did you get up this morning? Haven’t gone to bed yet, normally get up about 7 or 8 (ish)
2. Diamonds or pearls? Diamonds
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? City Of The Dead
4. What is your favourite TV show? CSI, Threshold, Starved
5. What do you usually have for breakfast? Coffee (sometimes toasted sweet bread)
6. What is your favourite cuisine? Indian or anything with Chicken
7. What is your middle name? Dennis
8. What food do you dislike? Turnips, Swedes, Parsnips, Lemon, Lime
9. What is your favourite CD at the moment? Audioslave
10. What kind of car do you drive? Don’t drive
11. Favourite sandwich? Bacon and Cheese
12. What characteristics do you despise? Bigotry and racism
13. Favourite item of clothing? Jeans
14. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation where would you like to go? Canada
15. What colour is your bathroom? Cream and white
16. Favourite brand of clothing? None, don’t do the brand thing.
17. Where would you retire to? Broadstairs or a private island in the Med.
18. What was your most memorable birthday? Can’t remember
19. Favourite sport to watch? Snooker, Cricket, Golf, Rugby, and sometimes Football
20. When is your birthday? 6th June
21. Are you a morning person or a night person? Night
22. What is your shoe size? 12 (ish)
23. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with us? Not that I can think off
24. What did you want to be when you were little? Famous and someone else
25. How are you today? Better than I have been some days but not as good as I have been others
26. What are your favourite lollies? None
27. What is your favourite flower? Don’t know
28. What is a date on the calendar you are looking forward to? Not really
29. Are you married? Technically yes, but separated
30. Do you enjoy your job? Don’t have one at the moment.

See ya

So it appears that I was wrong and those anti-depressants were having some kind of effect on my depression, I can tell this by the fact that since my doctor took me off them I have gradually been feeling more pissed off and down than I was (not by a huge amount but enough for me to notice), oh the joys of life. The doctor has referred me to a counsellor but that will take a while and given previous experience I don't know how much good it will do.

Niki is still away, which hasn't helped (not that it's her fault and I don't know if her being around would really have made any difference anyway) but she's coming back tomorrow so that will be good. She's had a bit of a rough time while she's been away, partly because she didn't want to be there on her own and partly because of things that have happened while she's been there, and I have felt a bit helpless because I'm so far away from her.

I still find it hard to understand what she wants to be with me for, I know that I must be a nice guy because people keep telling me I am but I can't see it in myself. To me I'm just a miserable git who spends all his time taking from others and hardly any time giving back. Having realised that it is impossible for me to live without other people as I need them to give me life, I now feel even more like some kind of emotional vampire, living off the life essence of the people around me and not giving them very much in return. The problem is that I have no idea how to live any other way, and don't know if I could, I need to try to find some way of getting some kind of self-belief or at least the beginings of liking myself but I think in order to do that I will have to face up to and deal with certain demons that I have been locking away and not wanting to deal with because of the pain the could cause me and others around me, that scares the crap out of me and I am desperately trying to think of some other way of doing it, maybe some way in which I can just forget about those demons, leave them behind and move on, but I'm not sure such a way exists.

You know, I sometimes still try to kid myself that my childhood was the best days of my life, and I have no idea why I do unless it's because I hope that one day I'll believe it and everything will be fine.

On a slightly more up note, the boilers fixed and my heating and hot water are back to normal, so that's nice.

Anyway, enough of this, I've got things to do like washing up and hoovering, so I'll see y'all later.