I don't really have a great deal to say today, so I'll probably ramble on for pages

Over the last few days I've been feeling a bit 'phergh' (I have no idea how to spell the way I feel it's just a sort of exhaling noise over a loose bottom lip with the tongue flopping out at the end - if that makes any sense). It's what my dad used to called feeling 'all anyhow'. I have spent the last few weeks with Niki feeling that we weren't really doing very much and worrying that she would get bored, but having spent 5 days on my own again I realise just how much more interesting my life is with her around (and talking on the phone really doesn't make up for it), it's nice just to have someone to talk to and make tea for, there are still a lot of things we are finding out about each other and it's a great period in our relationship, I miss her just being here (which is kind of weird as we haven't been together that long) but I know it won't be for too long, she's back on the 2nd of May.

It's difficult to be happy with your own company when you don't have a lot of self belief and harbour a certain amount of self lothing, I find myself sometimes just staring at walls and not even being aware that I'm doing it or for how long I've been doing it. It is a strange thing to admit to yourself that you are really quite an empty person without somebody else there to fill your life (of course in the past when I didn't have somebody else I had alcohol, who was once my only true love but is now just another ex who I don't keep in touch with), it's not like I am incomplete wiothout somebody else it's more like I can't exist without somebody else. It's almost as if I cease to exist when there isn't somebody else around, and that somebody else can be a wife, girlfriend, children, friends, even strangers, but on my own I am nothing, just an empty shell of a person waiting to be brought to life once more.

Oh, how jolly this posting has been, I think I need a coffee,

see y'all