Well, here I am at nearly 1.30 in the morning, once again unable to get to sleep despite the fact that for a change I actually feel tired. I supose it's officially Wednesday now so I should start with what I did yesterday (meaning Tuesday) although I have always been of the opinion that until I go to bed and then wake up again it's not another day so as far as I'm concerned it's still Tuesday so it's what I did today (of course this way of reconing does mean that it's probably not Tuesday anyway, after all I've spent many a night with no sleep at all, especially when I was younger and speeding a lot of the time), but enough of that crap.

Tuesday: It started off ok I suppose, didn't get to sleep until about 3am again and then woke up at 8, had a shower and got dressed. I had to go out because I was one of the team of people sending out postal voteing forms for the council. It's pretty good, a few hours (5 in all) doing mindless repetative work and you get paid for it, still at least it gets me out of the house for a while (I'm also doing the opening of postal votes on Friday, so another day out for me). Got back home, ate and started feeling very tired, which makes a change. I talked to Niki tonight on the phone, hopefully I might be going to see her tomorrow (that's Wednesday) but I'm not sure yet (I have a doctors appointment in the morning and the central heating people coming in the afternoon so it depends on what they say, after they have sucked in a sharp breath between gritted teeth and shaken their heads a few times and said something like "You 'ad sum rite cowboys doin' this mate") and if I do I'll be staying there and coming back home on Thursday night, which will be nice.

Ok, so this is what happens to my mind when I have far too much time and bugger all to do with it. I found myself allowing my thoughts to wonder off where ever they wanted to go and started thinking about take-away deliveries. When and where did they start? I can remember having dinner from the chip show every Friday (well almost) when I was a kid, but we went to get it. I can remember going to Wimpey and getting cheeseburger and chips to take-away when I was at school. I can remember going to the Chinese or Indian after leaving the pub when I first started drinking in them. I can't remember seeing or having any kind of take-away delivered much before the start of the 90's. What I started wondering was where was the first take-away in England that did deliveries? and how did they establish the service? I mean I think that my mum and dad would have seen such a service as something quite alien to their upbringing, the idea of my mum buying food without being able to see what she was buying or where and by whom it was prepared would have been unthinkable, so how did they get it established? Although having said that I know that a lot of shops, especially in rural areas have been doing deliveries for many years, so maybe it was just an extension of that.

I have no idea why I was thinking about this or what I was doing at the time that might have lead to it, but hey, that's just the way my mind works.

Well, I suppose I should try to get some kind of sleep as I've got to go to the doctors in the morning, see y'all

I don't really have a great deal to say today, so I'll probably ramble on for pages

Over the last few days I've been feeling a bit 'phergh' (I have no idea how to spell the way I feel it's just a sort of exhaling noise over a loose bottom lip with the tongue flopping out at the end - if that makes any sense). It's what my dad used to called feeling 'all anyhow'. I have spent the last few weeks with Niki feeling that we weren't really doing very much and worrying that she would get bored, but having spent 5 days on my own again I realise just how much more interesting my life is with her around (and talking on the phone really doesn't make up for it), it's nice just to have someone to talk to and make tea for, there are still a lot of things we are finding out about each other and it's a great period in our relationship, I miss her just being here (which is kind of weird as we haven't been together that long) but I know it won't be for too long, she's back on the 2nd of May.

It's difficult to be happy with your own company when you don't have a lot of self belief and harbour a certain amount of self lothing, I find myself sometimes just staring at walls and not even being aware that I'm doing it or for how long I've been doing it. It is a strange thing to admit to yourself that you are really quite an empty person without somebody else there to fill your life (of course in the past when I didn't have somebody else I had alcohol, who was once my only true love but is now just another ex who I don't keep in touch with), it's not like I am incomplete wiothout somebody else it's more like I can't exist without somebody else. It's almost as if I cease to exist when there isn't somebody else around, and that somebody else can be a wife, girlfriend, children, friends, even strangers, but on my own I am nothing, just an empty shell of a person waiting to be brought to life once more.

Oh, how jolly this posting has been, I think I need a coffee,

see y'all

It's funny but I used to really look forward to Fridays, I suppose it was all that "the weekend starts here" kind of thing. Now days all of my days just seem to be the same, no more excitment at the end of the week, no more Monday morning feeling (yes I even miss that sometimes), although strangely Sundays seem to be just as dull as they ever were. I do miss those feelings, and the social side of going out drinking (although not the actual drinking), you see unlike a lot of alcoholics I've met my drinking was still fairly social even right up to the end and I miss that sometimes, but not enough to make me want to drink again.

Well for some reason I've woken up this morning with quite bad gut ache, and without going into too much detail I think I might already have lost the extra weight I'd put on when the world fell out of my bottom earlier. I have no idea what has caused this, although I have been eating more fruit this week than I normally do, the nurse and dietician at my doctors assured me this was a healthy thing to do but today I'm not so sure. I've got to try to get myself together soon to go out and send off some stuff I've sold on e-bay and get some shopping (and put some money on my gas and electric keys), I can't say I'm looking forward to it as my guts seem to be gurgling in time to the Ska I'm listening to on the stereo at the moment, but I don't have a lot of choice.

Scott is coming to stay tonight, although it seems that he might be going to see the WWE wrestling at Wembley with Becca and Jay, so I'm not totally sure what the is happening or exactly when (no change there) but hey, I'm flexible enough to deal with it.

Here's a strange thing, I've been paid for a couple of things on e-bay by postal order, and at the age of 43 I've just realised that I have no idea what you do with a postal order as I've never had one before. I'm going to have to go into the post office and ask them what I do with them, I mean can I pay them into a bank? Do I have to cash them at a post office? If I cash them will I need proof of ID and if so what kind? It's all a mystery to me.

Well, I've got to go (the smallest room beckons), might write more later.

See y'all

The easter weekend brought with it some fun and some shit. The fun came in the shape of Old Niq coming round to my place and us reliving some of our misspent youth, which was a good laugh. The shit came in the shape of problems with my central heating. I had it all turned off for a day (an attempt to save a bit of cash on the gas and also to stop me overheating as I've been getting hot and clammy due to the anti-depressants I'm taking - more of that later), when I turned it back on there was a banging for a short period (just four or five short bangs) which came from under the work serface in the kitchen (where the hot water tank is) then it stopped, now the radiators come on full even if I have the heating switch set to water only and the thermostat turned right down. This means that in order to have hot water to do the washing up and for me to shower, the flat feels like an oven, which isn't fun with the hot flushes my medicines giving me as well. I called my landlord who has organised for someone to come and fix it, but they can't come until next Wednesday (which is a pain for more reasons than just the heating - more of that later). The other problem is that because the heating is on all the time, I'm using more gas than normal and I've run out of money in my meter (bloody pay-as-you-go utilities, I hate them) so I don't even have hot water until I go out today and get some more money put on my gas card.

Niki has gone off to Sutton to look after the cats and rabbits, which is ok but she's going to be there for nearly two weeks and I can't go with her because I have Scott with me for the next two weekends, not that I mind having him here I just miss her because I've got used to having her around and I love her. I was going to go over to Sutton as well next week but now that I have to be here for the boiler/heating men on Wednesday (plus I have been given a doctors appointment for that day as well) I can't go. I was already a bit pissed off about the fact that I have to be here for Tuesday and Friday next week (more of that later) but this means that I probably won't see her now until the following Tuesday.

So I went to get my repeat prescription from my doctor, as I do every month, and was told that for some reason I had to see someone before they would issue it. So I had an appointment with the nurse and she weighed me (slightly up - oh shit!) and took my blood pressure (the lowest it's every been but she assures me it's still ok) and then issued the prescription. While I was there I asked about the hot flushes that I've been getting (as well as a few other things that are all possible side effects of the anti-depressants) and she said it probably was the tablets that were causing them but that she couldn't take me off them as the doctor had put me on them so I would have to see him, and the only appointments they could give me were either next Wednesday morning or in 3 weeks time (I have a very popular doctor because he's very good), so bang goes the trip to Sutton. The thing is that I'm not tottally convinced that the anti-depressants are actually doing anything for my depression anyway, so coming off them probably won't have much effect in that department.

As I said I already knew that I wouldn't be able to go to Sutton Tuesday or Friday next week because I have been asked to help out with the sending out and opening of postal votes for the local election. That's not a problem at all as I get paid for it, although they have changed the way they pay so I don't think I'll gat as much money as I did last time, but anything is better than nothing. I thought it was great that they called the local elections to be held on Official Star Wars Day (the 4th of May).

Anyway that's more than enough of my stuff, see y'all.

Niki found this interesting little test which show you which level of hell you will be residing in when you die, I think everyone should try it. According to the test I'm off to the 7th level, not bad for a reformed alcoholic and pacifist. Try it yourself

Dante's Inferno Test

Having not had a bet on a race for many years I was persueded to put some money on the Grand National on Saturday, just a couple of small each way bets. We did quite well, I got 3rd place and Niki got 4th, and we ended up £4 better off so that was pretty good. We came back home to my place on Saturday night.

Once again I have been feeling a bit low for the last couple of days and don't know why, I try really hard not to let it get to Niki but it's difficult sometimes. She's not feeling too well at the moment, not sure if it's a bug that's going round or something that she's eaten but she's feeling a bit sick a lot of the time and is also getting tired very easily (in fact she's asleep on the sofa right now, and it's only 6.15pm). So the last day or two have been a bit down for both of us, but we seem to be getting by alright I suppose.

I have made some amazing discoveries about some weird stuff connected with the music world in the last two days. Firstly there is the news that the ex bass player from The Darkness is going to be on the next series of Celebrity Love Island (What?). Then there is the unbelievable news that Bob Dylan is following in the footsteps of Queen, Rod Stewart and Billy Joel, and is doing a stage musical based on his songs, I can hardly wait. But what I think is possibly the most amazing thing is the discovery that Jazz violinist Stephane Grapelli actually played on Pink Floyd's 'Wish You Were Here' album, for more information on this check out this web site:
IckMusic

Oh well, I suppose as it's nearly dinner time I should away and start with the cooking type stuff.

See y'all

Well, having not posted anything for a few days I suppose I should catch up on what's been happening.

Scott and I had a good weekend, Niki came back from her adventures in Kent on Sunday night and was completely knackered. Wrestlemania was ok, but it somehow doesn't seem to have the appeal that it did when I first started watching american wrestleing about 10 years ago, it all seems to have got a bit dull now, Scott did his usual stunt of falling asleep just as the main bout started, but that was ok. Scott went home on Monday afternoon, he can be a pain sometimes but he's a good kid and, given the way that a lot of 15 year olds are these days, he's no problem at all.

Niki and I spent most of Monday sitting around doing bugger all, both of us knackered, her from the weekend in Kent and me from staying up all night on Sunday.

On Tuesday I went to Wembley to see BB King and Gary Moore with my friend Chris and some other friends of his. I wasn't very impressed with the new Wembley Arena, it's basically exactly the same as the old one but cleaner and the seats have less leg room, and for some reason best known to themselves, they have put the stage at the opposite end of the arena to where it was. What this basically means is that if you enter the front of the arena and go to the left hand side you have to face to your right to look at the stage instead of looking to your left, woo! The gig started a bit weirdly, we had just sat down when the lights went down and Gary Moore just walked on stage (with no announcement or indication he was coming on) and started playing. He was pretty much as he always is when he's playing the blues, it was nothing spectacular but was definately all about him. Some of the stuff he did was good and some of it was very ordinary (even bordering on dull at a few points) and I honestly got the impression that he wasn't into it at all. He played for a while, went off, came back on for another couple of songs and then as an afterthought introduced the rest of his band. I can't remember who was on bass or keyboards, but he had Brian Downey playing drums for him, which was great. That means that I've seen three quarters of one of my favourite line-ups of Thin Lizzy at two different gigs
Then, after a break, BB King's band came on stage and played a couple of numbers on their own, which mainly consisted of a blues/jazz jam with each member of the band playing a little showcase bit, which was pretty good. Then BB King was introduced, and just seeing him walk out on stage was great, he has an immediate presence which just makes you feel good. He sat down, he later said that his knees were too bad for him to stand for too long, and was handed Lucille, he played about a dozen notes and was already 10 times better than Gary Moore had been. It was a great show, BB King is an excellent performer and a great showman, despite not being able to stand. His band were really good and there was a lot of banter and fun going on between them all which really brought you into what they were doing. One of Chris's friends said that we had seen 'One rock star trying to be a blues man and a real blues man just having fun', I think the big different between the two of them is that Gary Moore plays blues songs to the audience and BB King draws the audience into the songs. Having said all of that I had a great time and thank Chris and his friends very much.

Just as an aside, I had a great curry while we were there and was totally unimpressed by the new Wembley Stadium.

On a personal note, I'm still feeling a bit low depite having been put back on the happy tablets by my doctor. The thing I still don't understand is why. My life is going better at the moment than it has for years, there are no major problems (well apart from the heart condition but that's an ongoing thing that I've come to terms with pretty much), there aren't that many minor problems either, so why do I feel so down sometimes? One thing I know I must do is not let this thing become all consuming and start to get to me, because if I do it will only get worse, I know that from past experience. I just have to try to relax and go with the flow, but it's not easy for me to do that.

Anyway, that's by far more than I think I've ever posted before so I'm going to stop. I'm of to Niki's later today, should be back tomorrow night so may well post again on Sunday.