Yesterday was an odd day. There I was all prepared for the fact that Niki was going to be going away for the weekend today and so had to go home last night so she could get ready this morning and I wouldn't be seeing her until late Sunday night, when I got a call from my ex saying that a friend of ours had tickets to see Thin Lizzy at Hammersmith Apollo for that night and they couldn't go and did I want them. I phoned around a couple of friends to see if they would be interested in going but they were busy so couldn't, I didn't ask Niki because I wasn't sure she would like it and also I thought that as she had a heavy weekend ahead of her she would like an early night, but sher said she'd love to go so we went.

It was a good gig, made all the better because we didn't have to pay. There were a few of the songs that didn't work with John Sykes singing them isntead of Phil Lynott, but on the whole he did really well as vocalist, I've never been a great fan of his guitar playing and I think he sometimes uses far too many notes and too much effect in order to make a simple guitar solo sound dreadful, but most of the time he seemed a lot more restrained than usual and so that wasn't too bad either. The drummer, who's name I cannot remember, was really good but I'm not totally sure he was as good as Brian Downey. The bass player, Marco Mendoza, was pretty good, his bass lines didn't seem to flow like Phil Lynott's did, but he was good none the less. Scott Gorham was brilliant and, in my opinion, outshon John Sykes as a guitarist on more than one occassion. I was a bit amused by the fact that Scott Gorham no longer looks like Christopher Reeve (as he did in an interview a year or two ago when he had short hair) but now with his hair longer looks much more like David St Hubbins (guitarist from Spinal Tap), I also found it funny that John Sykes didn't know what album 'Warrior' came off and introduced it as 'a track from the Live And Dangerous album'. Having said all that it was a really good night and a good gig, and I'm glad that I was able to go. Thank you Chris and Neal, and I hope that Zoe is feeling better now.

It also meant that Niki and I got to spend another night together, which was nice, but she's off for the weekend now with the kids from a youth club that she helps out at. They've gone to a place called Carroty Wood or something equally strange, it's an outdoor activity place for youth clubs and schools, somewhere in Kent.

Well, Scott's here for the weekend again, and this weekend it's wrestlemania so that's what we're doing Sunday night/Monday morning, luckily he's on half term next week so it's not a problem.

The workmen have returned to fit the new kitchen upstairs (it turns out that they rip out the old one and leave it to settle for a week before doing anymore work for some reason), and they've had a bit of trouble with fitting the new sink. The problem is that the only stop-cock for the flats is in my garden so they have been knocking at my door and wanting to get to it a lot of the day, which meant that I couldn't have a shower and go out as I had planned. It was made slightly worse by the fact that the plumber is eastern european and has a fairly thick accent, so every time he asked me a question about the water and the stop-cock, or whatever, I had some trouble being totally sure of what he was saying. I have no idea if they've sorted the problems out but the water is back on at the moment and so I'm having a shower and shave in a while and tomorrow I'm going out early (mainly as I'll have two days things to do in one day) so if they need to get to the stop-cock they'll have to either wait or climb over my back fence.

I'm seriously thinking about getting another tattoo done and Niki has said she'll design it for me, after all she is an artist. So if and when I do I'll post a picture of it.

I'm off to have that shower (or maybe just to watch Deal Or No Deal and then have a shower), and a shave

Just a quick post to say that today it is three years to the day that I gave up drinking. I've been amazed at times that I've made it this far, but I still only take it one day at a time and that get's me through. Just want to say thanks to everyone that has supported and helped me (hopefully you all know who you are), I know there have been times that I couldn't have done it without you.

And so here's looking forward to another year booze free.

See y'all

Another weekend over and Scott is safely back home. We didn't go to the pictures in the end on Saturday night, mainly because my poor little soldier was tired and fell asleep on the sofa (everyone say ahhh!), so we got a take away and watched Kung Foo Hustle on pay-per-view, which I fell asleep watching

Sunday was fine, Scott went home and I was left alone at home to feel a little bit down for a while. Mainly because as both my parents are dead, Mother's Day and Father's Day don't really seem like good days anymore, I actually used to look forward to buying a card and something for my parents on those days, it was a day on which I could show them I cared which I know I never did enough at other times. Anyway, after pulling myself together, I went to meet Niki at Olympia where her show was finishing. After looking around for a while, saying Hi to Ruth, picking out some zebra stripe wool for some gloves, and helping Niki, Les and Tess to pack away, we went back to Niki's. It was a pretty good day, all in all, and I didn't have too much time to ponder my own sadnesses, which was good.

And so today we're bumming around doing not much (which feels great), then after a quick trip to Niki's studio I am helping Niki at the youth club she works at on a Monday night and then we're back off to my place. You know this enjoying life a bit is pretty good stuff

It's Saturday and once again I'm amazed at ebay and just how much some people will pay for some stuff, I mean £4.00 for the autograph of someone who was the singer with Iron Maiden for one album and tour is just amazing to me, but hey I'm not complaining after all it's me they're paying.

So I have my son Scott here with me again and he is safely reclined in his usual position on the sofa playing on the playstation, but tonight I've decided we're going to actually do something and he's said that he wants to go to the pictures, we're going to see 'V for Vendetta' so maybe I'll post a review on it tomorrow.

My mental state seems to be on the level at the moment, so that's pretty good, and I'm now taking happy tablets before I go to bed every night, I wonder if that means I'll have better dreams?

I'm going to end there as I've just got a sudden desire to have a dump, so off I jolly well go!

Strange things abound around me. The workmen seem to have finished (that is ripping out rebuilding and refitting a complete kitchen) in just two and a half days, now unless they have some amazing time machine that allows them to do twice as much work in half the time I can't see that being right, but hey, my ceilings are still intact and I'm not being assulted by drilling and smashing and stuff, so it can't be bad I suppose.

I was away from my flat for just one night, but seem to have been away from my head for a few days longer. I went to see my doctor, mainly because I am finding it hard to understand why it is that given all the good things that are happening to me at the moment I still feel down a lot of the time, I know that if I don't do something about it I will find it easy to start shutting myself away again and pushing everyone away from me and I am determined not to do that. So I say to my doctor that I want counselling, he give me anti-depressants, yipee, I'm on the happy tablets again You see, he explained to me as if I didn't already know this from previous experience, I fall into a kind of no mans land as I need more than just the basic day-to-day 'ways to pull yourself together' kind of counselling that GP's counsellors give but don't have enough of a problem to be classed as mentally ill and so referred to a mental health specialist. So basically there is bugger all help for me to try to sort out the root causes, just take the tablets, try to get through and work it out myself, I love the NHS.

I had a visit from my ex today, as my son is coming to stay this weekend and she brought his stuff round while he was at school, and she left me feeling like I'd done something wrong but I didn't have a clue what it was, I could be wrong but that's the way I felt. I understand that she's having a rough time at the moment but as I don't know exactly what's going on, and am not around her and the kids all the time to find out, there isn't much I can do, so why do I feel guilty? I suppose it's a throw-back to the guilt I still feel about all the things that I did and didn't do when I was drinking, I can't help but think sometimes that if it wasn't for my selfishness then things now would be so much different, but I know that you can't live on regrets and 'what if's', so I have to try to find a way to just let it go.

Niki is working this weekend at Olympia, so I'm not going to see her until Sunday night, it's funny how I miss her when she's not here even after such a short time together. Still I'd rather have it the way it is than for us to see each other 24/7, then we'd have nothing to talk about and probably end up getting very bored of each others company.

I want to leave you with something I overheard at a bus stop today that I thought was an interesting use of words. Two women were talking about the weather, one said to the other "It's not so mild now as it was this morning is it?", the other one said "Yeah, it's not the same as it was last year. This time last year it was more Septembery, but this year it's much more Novembery, don't you think?", the first woman thought for a moment and then said "Yeah but only somedays!"
What does that mean?

OH MY GOD!!!!!!!

My upstairs neighbours (I live in a ground floor flat in a small two story block), who rent from the council (mine is privately rented), have gone on holiday for three weeks to India and while they are away the council workmen are here fitting a new kitchen for them. I was under the impression that this would basically mean ripping out the old cupboards and fittings, re-plastering the walls and then fitting similar cupboards in a new configuration so that none of their kitchen appliances would go in properly, having worked for a local council in the past that always seemed to be the way council workmen worked (when they worked at all). However, I was informed by my neighbours a day or two before they went, that the plan was for one of the kitchen walls to be demolished and rebuilt (even they didn't seem to know why), this means that at the moment I have a team of heavy footed butt-crack flashers who sound like they are trying to drill and smash their way into my flat via the ceiling. Luckily I'm off to Niki's today, although I will be back tomorrow afternoon by which time hopefully all the actual demolition bit might be finished and, also hopefully, my ceilings will still be intact.

To change the subject a little, I have decided not to get too heavily involved in Niki's business, although I will help her out with some stuff on occassions. I have at different times worked with members of my family and girlfriends, and I don't think it works too well, and with the added pressure of it being her company I think it might not be the best idea for us to work together. Maybe a year or two down the line when we are settled a bit more as a couple I will, but for now I don't think it's a good idea, and Niki is cool with my decision so that's ok. The other thing is this, having now got my love life sorted out, I need to try to sort out the rest of my life as well, I need to stop just existing and start living again. So, as I can't work at the moment, I'm going to try to get back into my writing and music again. I don't know if either of them are totally right for me but they are things I know and so make the obvious starting point to find something to make my life feel more satisfying than it does at the moment. Part of my problem is that I always expect far to much from any situation, and when it doesn't deliver (as it never can) then I get dissapointed and most times get fed up with it. Having, once again, set my expectations way too high when I started going out with Niki (I expected it to be the answer to ALL my problems, what a dumb ass I am!) I am determined not to let my stupidity get in the way of our relationship and so am also determined to get the rest of my life and problems sorted out so that we can move on together. I love her and I'm not affraid to say or show it, so I now need to make sure that it lasts and not fall into the self destructive behaviour that I have fallen into in the past.

On a slightly lighter note, having said that I was more into selling on e-bay than buying, Niki and I have bought shed loads of stuff in the last couple of weeks but have called a holt on all purchases for a while, at least until we've sold some stuff to pay for some of the things we've bought

Well, I think that's more than enough stuff for one post, some might say far too much but there you go

See y'all

Found this on Old Niq's blog and this is my result:

*You Are 54% Evil*

You are evil, but you haven't yet mastered the dark side.
Fear not though - you are on your way to world domination.

How Evil Are You?
http://www.blogthings.com/howevilareyouquiz/

So here I am, sitting in chilly Sutton with the rabbits and cats again. I've spent the last few days staying with Niki and going to her studio (she's an artist and has her own craft business as well) trying to organise her work paperwork and get the admin side of things into some kind of order. She is a wonderful woman and I love her dearly but I have no idea how she manages to get through life in so much chaos. I have far too much chaos whirling around inside my head, so for my own sanity I have to make sure that things around me are kept in order because if they were in chaos as well then my whole world would gradually unravel and fall apart. Niki, on the other hand seems to live her entire life in and surrounded by chaos. This is going to be a fun relationship

And so I am atempting to bring some sort of order to at least part of her world, she can deal with the creative side of things and I will keep a well ordered office to back it up. I suppose that it is all down to the difference in creative cultures. As a writer I tend to create things in a relitively well ordered and structured way, that way I can work out plot lines for stories and good use of words and beat when writing songs or poems, whereas Niki as an artist creating sculpture and drawings tends to use chaos to channel her emotions in a more organic way to create her art.

Anyway, we're staying here for today and then we're off home again (back to my home that is) tonight, so I'll be back on home ground in an ordered place with (hopefully) a calm atmosphere for me, but I wouldn't count on it

Wow, what a weekend I've had. Not as exciting as some I'm sure but for me, quite enough.

After much inward conflict I've finally allowed myself to be biten by the E-bay bug. Luckily, at the moment anyway, I get much more fun out of selling than I do from buying. That isn't to say that I haven't bought some stuff, mostly books and cd's that I've been after for ages and have had problems finding, but the buzz I get from seeing someone actually willing to pay money for something that I consider to be old crap (or at least not something I any longer want or need to keep) is great.

Well, Niki and I went to her friends party on Saturday and I must say that I wasn't really sure about how it was going to go, I mean I've pretty much been keeping myself to myself for the last two years and now I was going to spend the night with a bunch of complete strangers acompanied by a woman I had only known for a month. Luckily my fears were unfounded, I had a really good time, I met some nice people (especially Tom and Ruth, and Lixi and Pooch), I had some good conversation, had a laugh and went home feeling good. So all in all a good night.

Yesterday was eventful (I did mean to post but things were a bit odd), we had visitors from all sides. Becca came over with Lauren (strangely asleep and not loud and loony like she usually is), she also had my ex and my brother-in-law's youngest son with her. It was odd to say the least. Becca wanted to borrow my hoover to clean her car out (it's something she can't do at home as she lives in a flat on the 7th floor), so she left me and Niki with my ex, and it's a kind of strange feeling to be in the same room as the woman you're now going out with and the woman you're still married to but seperated from. I wasn't exactly in my comfort zone shall we say the worst thing about it is that knowing what I do about both of them, I can see that in other circumstances they could be friends but the last thing I really want (although I don't want them to be enemies) is for them to end up as friends, that would be just too weird for words

Then in the evening we had the now standard visit from my brother-in-law, Chris, coming round to use the computer, chat and be odd (in his own unique style), but unusually it coinsided with a visit from one of my best friends, also called Chris, who came over to say Hi and chat, and borrow some computer software, and he also brought with him a huge computer monitor (mine has decided that it doesn't like the screen display the colour it is normally and keeps going pink), one that resembles an escape pod from some futuristic space station and takes up more room than a small car .

It was a nice night, it was good to have people round and helped me to realise that I really do need to get out and do more.

I'm going over to Niki's this afternoon and will probably be there for most of the week so I don't know when my next posting will be, might not be until Friday.

Niki found this on another blog site and I liked it and thought I'd 'borrow' it for myself

Put an X by the things you've done:

(X) Sneaked out of the house
(X) got lost in your city
( ) saw a shooting star
( ) been to the United States
( ) had serious surgery
( ) gone out in public in your pajamas
(X) kissed a stranger
(X) hugged a stranger
(X) been in a fist fight
( ) been arrested
(X) done drugs
(X) had alcohol
(X) laughed and had milk/coke/other drink come out of your nose
(X) pushed all the buttons in a lift
(X) kissed in a lift
( ) swore at your parents but never to their faces
( ) kicked a guy where it hurts.
( ) been to a casino
( ) Been to Canada
( ) been skydiving
( ) broken a bone
(X) been high
( ) skinny-dipped
( ) flashed someone
(X) saw a therapist
( ) done the splits
( ) played spin the bottle
( ) had stitches
( ) drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour
(X) bitten someone
( ) been to Niagara Falls
(X) had chicken pox
( ) been to Japan
(X) ridden in a taxi
(X) been dumped
(X) shoplifted
(X) been fired
(X) stole something from your job
(X) gone on a blind date
(X) lied to a friend
( ) had a crush on a teacher
( ) celebrated mardi-gras in New Orleans
( ) been to France
(X) slept with a co-worker
(X) been married
( ) gotten divorced
( ) been pregnant
( ) saw someone die
( ) been to Africa
( ) Driven over 400 miles in one day
( ) Been to Mexico
( ) Been on a plane
(X) Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show
(X) Thrown up in a bar
(X) Purposely set a part of myself on fire
( ) Eaten Sushi
( ) Been snowboarding
(X) Met someone in person from the internet
(X) Been 'moshing' at a 'rock' show
( ) Been to a motor cross show
( ) lost a child (miscarried)
( ) gone to college
( ) graduated from college
(X) taken painkillers
(X) love someone or miss someone right now

I don't know what any of that says about me or my life but it was a bit of a laugh doing it, especially explaining some of it to Niki (like setting myself on fire!). Anyway I'm going out to a party tonight at one of Niki's friends, I know nobody else that will be there so it will be interesting if nothing else, I suppose. I'll let you know how it went either later tonight or tomorrow, depending on how good a party it is.

I've just heard the sad news on the radio that John Junkin has died. Once again we lose a genius of comedy from my youth (and before), I always thought that both he and Barry Cryer seemed to be over looked somewhat when people talked about british comedy, but in my opinion John Junkin was a brilliant comedy writer and actor.

Here I sit, having tried at about 1 am-ish this morning to go to sleep and failing completely to do so, having had no sleep at all last night and once again I find myself thinking that as I haven't been to sleep and then woken up again it can't be another day it must be the continuation of the same one. So for me it's still Monday, this could make for an interesting week

I did wonder earlier this morning if I had gone through some kind of time warp as they reported on the news that, once again, the PC brigade in education are trying to have the word 'black' removed from 'Baa Baa Black Sheep' and are proposing it should be replaced with the word 'rainbow'. I can't believe that they are starting to do this sort of thing again when so many areas of education in this country need to be completely overhauled, it is just ridiculous.

Just in case you might be interested, I have discovered some things about today on my night time rummage around the internet. It is the birthday of Rik Mayall, Arthur Lee and Henry Purcell. It is the anniversary of the death of Aristotle, Divine (real name Harris Glenn Milstead) and Ivor Novello. It's also the day on which Alexander Graham Bell patented the telephone, the first Jazz recorded to be recorded was released, Monopoly was invented, and The Beatles made their broadcasting debut on BBC radio.

Another week starts and I'm off to look after my grand-daughter, Lauren, this afternoon while her dad, Jay, goes to the dentist. I'm also going to have a few days without seeing Niki, and for some reason that feels a bit odd. Still I feel in a pretty good mood today, although I have noticed this morning that the flat badly needs cleaning so I suppose I'll have to do that at some point, I'll also have to do the washing up as I'm down to my last clean mug and I have nothing clean to either cook with or eat off

The weekend was great, a trip to Camden Market (haunt of my youth) with Niki and my son Scott went really well, bought a few bits and pieces and had a really good time, and best of all managed to come home at just the right point, namely just before my feet started aching (that's old age for you)

I'm assuming that my daughter, Becca, either still hasn't read my previous posting (in which case it could still potentially cause problems) or she has read it and doesn't have a problem with it (or at least not one she feels the need to vocalise to me). We shall see what the future brings.

All in all things are pretty good at the moment for me, which is a situation that I find strangely un-nerving as I don't have a lot of experience of it, so I'm trying very hard to just enjoy it and see where it goes, which isn't easy for someone as paranoid and screwed up as I am, still we shall see

Ok, it's Friday night and it's the start of a fun filled weekend with my son and my new woman (with additional visit or visits from my brother-in-law). My son has just finished playing The Warriors game on my PS2 and is now trying to find some rubbish or other to watch on the TV, and I waiting for Niki (my beloved other) to turn up, I'm also keeping an eye on the clock to make sure that I don't forget to check the chicken which is cooking in the oven, I never thought I was any good at this multi-tasking stuff but it doesn't seem too bad

Dispite having had deep and meaningfuls with my ex this morning and having given a lecture to my son about the stuff that I said about in my last posting, I have settled into a mellow happy feeling that sits a little unsure of it's self and a little uneasily on my normally miserable shoulders. I am actually looking forward to this weekend and I think it might even be fun. We are planning to go out tomorrow, although Niki has a bit of a cold at the moment so I don't know if it will definately go ahead or not, so I might even get to go out at the weekend in daylight, unheard of in recent times

I haven't had any indication that my daughter has read my previous post, and I think that if she had she may have made some comment (but then again I could be wrong), and the possibility of a bad reaction from her is the only black cloud on the horizon, but I think I can ride it out, if and when it happens.

So, I have a slight problem with leaving things to the last minute and then having to rush to get them done sometimes, but just when I finally get around to being arsed to put a day aside to actually getting some of the paperwork done that's been sitting around for the last month waiting for me to do it, life jumps up and throws problems about money and children at you.

I love both of my children very much and I always will, but sometimes I really think that both of them (and possibly some people connected with them) need a good slap (metaphorically and not physically of course).

My son seems to have a problem understanding the connection between him getting good exam results (which of course means actually attending school and doing the work that they set) and getting the job he wants to do once he leaves. The problem is that the school aren't very happy about his lack of drive, and nor are my ex and I, but he doesn't seem to care.

My daughter seems to have slipped into a situation were she almost seems to be budgeting for the fact that she will be able to borrow money to get throught the month, money that my ex provides but can't really afford to. My daughter and her husband have been talking about having another child and to be honest I don't see how they can even consider it at the moment, in my opinion they need to have more space, of their own and not shared, and another income before they would be able to afford another baby.

The problem is that for whatever reason, they both seems to give my ex a much harder time about things than they do me. Also I only hear about things second hand and once it has got to the point where my ex wants to just run away somewhere and hide or scream.

I wish I could do more but at the moment I can't, and it makes me more than a bit pissed off. Firstly because this situation happens in the first place and secondly because there really is nothing that I can do to help.

As I said at the begining of this, I love both of my children very much and always will, I just wish that they could sometimes be a bit more considerate of how their actions and attitudes effect those around them.

BEST WISHES

Before I go I just want to say

Dydd Gwyl Dewi hapus!