The last couple of days have been a strange time for me. I have found, via a dateing web site (and yes I already know all the problems and pitfalls that they can bring with them) three women who seem to interested in getting to know me and (amazingly) two of them live in Greater London, so well within travelling range for me. The problem I have is that I have realised that I'm scared, I have a fear of getting into a relationship, even a friendship, with a woman. I think it has a lot to do with self doubt, but I'm finding it all a bit weird and part of me just wants to run away from even the possibility of it happening just in case it doesn't work. I also think that part of it might be that what I'm really scared of is getting hurt again and if I would be able to cope with it. I know that I'm projecting and getting well ahead of myself here, but I can't help it.

On top of that my son got mugged last night and had his phone stolen, luckily he wasn't hurt or anything so it could have been a lot worse, the problem is that I feel like I should be angry about and to be honest I couldn,t give a damn. I'm glad he wasn't hurt and a little pissed off that he was upset by it, but as far as I'm concerned as long as he came out of it in one piece I don't care about anything else. My daughter and ex-wife both got angry about it and I thought that there must be something wrong with me and maybe I'm becoming too insensative.

Well, I've just had a phone call from a good friend which was nice but unfortunately it has derailed my train of thought so I'll leave it there for now.

I'd like to start off by wishing everybody a happy St Gildas day.

Today is also the anniversary of the birth of Thomas Paine and the death or King George III.

I have no idea if anybody will be interested in the above facts but I just thought I'd let you all know. If you would like to know more about these things then check out the Chambers Book Of Days Web Site (I tried to put a link in but for some reason it doesn't seem to work, but the web site does).

Well, I did something amazing last night, I actually went out. My brother-in-law Chris and I went to a local Weatherspoons for dinner. It was very odd being outside at night (I haven't done that for a good few months), It was even odder being in a pub again (I haven't done that for a long time either). I don't have a problem with going into pubs, my alcohol addiction doesn't get triggered that way, the thing I was worried about was being in a place where people smoke because, somewhat strangely, since giveing up I've found that much more difficult to stop thinking about and wanting to do than drinking. It's funny but if someone had told me four years ago that one day I would be sitting in a pub drinking orange juice and soda water, having given up smoking, wondering if it would be alright to cheat on my diet and have a steak, I would probably have said "Weerghh, stuffle mingle mar fark!" mainly because I was too pissed to stand up properly let alone talk. Anyway, I had a good time and it made a really nice change, I might even do it again sometime, and next time I might even go on out on my own.

It's kind of typical that just as I decide to start getting off my arse and going out more, they start putting some good programmes on the TV. I'm begining to think that it's some kind of test, and it makes me wonder if I'm living some kind of Truman Show life where some unseen official body are deliberately putting tests in my way without me knowing about it. My god I'm getting even more paranoid!!!

Going back a little to something sort of connected to one of my problems, I can't believe that even with everything else that's happened in the world lately people in the media are still going on about Charles Kennedy being an alcoholic. The thing that really got me about that situation was the fact that everyone seemed to be adamant that he had to go (and I understand that it was supposedly more to do with the fact that he lied than his alcoholism), it amazed me that there was that kind of reaction to it. This man was the leader of the THIRD most important political party in this country and, without wanting to offend anyone, had almost NO chance of ever becoming Prime Minister and actually getting any power, but he was hounded out of office, and yet nobody seemed to be worried in the slightest when a month or so before George Bush (a recovering alcoholic and argueably the MOST powerful man on the planet) announced that he was drinking again, that was almost completely forgotten and warrented only a casual mention on a few TV programmes. I don't think I understand.

MUSIC

Unfortunately, due to the ammount of problems with the bandwidth on my storage site I'm not going to be posting any more MP3's for a while. I will be trying to sort out some way of getting better storage with a larger bandwidth, but for the moment it's better if I stop. If you want to find a good selection of downloadable music try The Hype Machine Web Site
I use it quite a lot and there are some really good blogs that you can link to for music.

I do have a full list of the MP3's that I have and if anyone wants to e-mail me I can send it to them and then I can either e-mail MP3's you want direct to you or we can sort out some way of saving them to disc and sending them to you (all free of charge of course).

Anyway, I'm off to do the washing up (left from yesterday lunchtime, oh, god what a slob...lol) and have a shave. See y'all.

I don't know if any one else has heard the above phrase much but it has always interested me, mainly because I have no idea what the hell it means. How uncomfortable is it to shake a stick? Does it depend on the size of the stick and what it's made of? Why would you want to shake a stick at anything anyway? Just exactly how many is 'MORE' than you can comfortably shake this stick at and why does it become uncomfortable to do the shaking at this amount and not at any lower amount?

I ask these questions because I heard this phrase (not for the first time) on the television today and it started me thinking (always a dangerous thing), mainly about phrases of this type that I was subjected to as a youth. My parents said some very strange things, like my mother telling me once (when I had finished the last of the sliced ham she had in the fridge) "I don't buy that food for you to eat", I never figured out exactly what it was for.

On a similar note I noticed with interest today that the bag of salted peanuts that I opened earlier had a notice printed on it that the contents "May contain nuts", well I bloody hope so, that's why I bought them. It reminded me of the badges that you used to get on childrens birthday cards (the ones with proper pins to hold them on, not the odd plastic clips that they now put on them), I remember that for some reason I once looked at the edge of one of these badges that had on it's front in big letters "I AM 2", and around the edge it said "Not suitable for children under the age of 3", that confused me.

MUSIC

Todays mp3's are a bit of an Elvis fest.

Elvis Costello - Oliver's Army

If you like this then check out this Web Site
and/or Buy A CD

Elvis Presley - Blue Moon Of Kentucky

Elvis Presley - Jailhouse Rock

If you like this then check out this Web Site
and/or Buy A CD

Ya'll have a nice day now, y'here

See ya'll later

Right, I had to stop last time for a couple of reasons, partly because I didn't want to make the post too long and secondly because i was listening to some classical music while I was typing and it's not easy to keep a good rant going when your listening to Brahms, maybe next time I'll try a German composer either Beethoven or Wagner that should keep the fire burning.

Anyway, the second of my rants for today is connected to the first although it will probably ramble off into a different direction. Basically my rant is this: Why is it that if I was old or blind I could get a discount on my TV licence but I can't get any discount for the fact that only recieve Incapacity Benefit as an income. I can't afford to pay for a TV licence, but if I don't get one I'm breaking the law so I have to find the money from somewhere and if I don't they fine me, which I also wont be able to pay. In a sort of connected extra rant I want to know why it is that if you are completely healthy and recieving Income Support or Job Seekers Allowence you automatically get all your prescriptions free without ever having to ask for them to be free, but if you recieve Incapacity Benefit (and are therefore too ill to work) you have to fill out a claim form and send it off to get an NHS certificate that says you don't have to pay for your prescriptions.

OK, Rants over for today.

MUSIC

Here are two more mp3's for you

Ella Fitzgerald - Night And Day

If you like that then check out this Web Site
and/or Buy A CD

ELP - Fanfare For The Common Man

If you like that then check out this Web Site
and/or Buy A CD

See ya

Ok, So I think enough is enough for the moment of all the deep and meaningful soul searching stuff I've been posting over the last week or so, it's time for a rant. So here goes with the first of many.

At the weekend I was visited by my brother-in-law, a great guy without whom I would have gone under many times in the last year. Anyway he had with him a copy of the Sun (he said it was for the free DVD they were giving away but he did seem to have a wealth of knowledge about the young ladies that pose topless for it), now for some reason which I cannot for the life of me work out I actually started to read it, and most amazingly found some news in it. So this is my rant.

According to the Sun, the Office of National Statistics (which I am sure is a government office) has confirmed that the TV licence fee is being "reclassified as a tax" whereas up to now it has always been considered in the National Accounts as a "service charge". The Office of National Statistics said that "The licence fee is a compulsory payment which is not paid solely for access to BBC services". The following day on the radio I heard that the BBC were going to increase the licence fee later in the year (probably around April). My point is this, if the TV licence fee is a tax surely the only body that can increase taxes is the government and those increases have to be put before parliament, all other tax increases are dealt with this way. If the BBC are allowed to put up this "tax" whenever they wish and to whatever level they wish then surely other organisations should be entitled to do the same, this would be like a cigarette manufacturer putting up vat on it's brands just to increase it's profits. Also just how much money goes to the BBC and what does the rest go on? Lots of things about the TV licence fee are wrong to my mind and, although I do get pissed off at advert breaks especially in films, I think that it should be scrapped and the BBC should become a commercial network. I think it would be fairer, especially as there are many days when I don't watch a single programme on a BBC channel but there is no way I can reclaim any money for not using their service.

Right that's rant number one out of the way, I'll leave rant number two for another blog, later tonight.

I'll post some mp3's later

So, there I was just sitting at my computer and for some reason I decided to actually read through my own blog. Then a thought struck me, 'My god, this stuff is depressing!', so no more of that (at least for now and hopefully not again), I have decided that in order to move on with my life I first and most importantly need to stop standing still staring around me wondering when something's going to happen, and actually get of my lazy fat arse and do something. Part of problem is that I like to be fully aware of where I'm going and what I'm doing before I start going and doing it, this normally means that I spend so much time planning to do things that I don't end up doing them, either because I run out of the time and drive to do it, or because I manage to talk myself out of doing it by continually focusing on what could (and therefore by my twisted logic will) go wrong. The strange thing is that being aware of this behaviour doesn't make it any easier to stop doing it. I was always told that if they were presented with a pint glass with half a pint of liquid in it people fell into one of two camps, some would say the glass is half empty and some would say the glass is half full. I used to be the type of person who would look at that glass and say 'Who's round is it?', I liked to kid myself that instead of being either a pessimist or an optimist, I was a realist, but what I actually was was a prat who avoided every situation but either changing the subject or finding someway to make people laugh in the hope they would forget the situation even existed. I think that some of my problem at the moment is that I've been doing that so long that I even started to do it to myself and, worse than that, I started to allow myself to be decived by myself. Well, I think that now is the time to say 'NO MORE!', I have to get a grip and get my shit together or else I'm not going to survive this.

So, a more positive outlook. I'm really trying to get that together, and I've already had to swat away the shining self-doubt fairy a couple of times today. Also getting myself out of this flat and into the real world, where people are and the wind blows and stuff like that.

I have also realised from reading through my blog entries (maybe I should be more aware of what I'm writing when I write it) that obsessing about a woman that I'm never ever going to have a relationship with that is any different to the one I have with her now is a pointless and damaging thing to do, so that's got to stop. I'm even thinking about going to places where I might have even the slightest chances of meeting a woman, that way I might even find someone that might be interested in me. Stranger things have been known, I mean look at that snake and the hamster.

You know I'm actually in quite a good mood now, I might even smile, who knows? Things are definately looking up, a new mind set and the new series of CSI starts next Tuesday so things can't that wrong with the world.

MUSIC

Here's another couple of mp3's for you not to be able to download because I'll have exceeded my bandwidth of my storage site

Eddie Cochran - Come On Everybody

If you like this then check out this Web Site
and/or Buy A CD

Edgar Winter Group - Frankenstein

If you like this then check out this Web Site
and/or Buy A CD

Well thasaboutit for now, so long and thanks for all the fish

Well, the son has gone home and here I sit on my own once again. I must remember that when I finally get around to eating tonight, I only have to do enough for me. It's at times like this when I am on my own again after having had people here that I feel a little empty and I wish that I had someone here, to be with all the time. I really need to find a partner, an 'other half', or whatever phrase you want to use, basically I need a woman . I miss things like being able to cuddle up with someone to watch TV, asking if they want a coffee when I'm making mine, and the feel of a warm naked body close to me when I'm falling asleep and wakeing up. I try hard to look at all the good things about living on my own, like not having to worry about anyone else when I want to do anything, and I suppose there must be more but I can't think of any at the moment, so it obviously isn't working. Still, maybe tomorrow but I'm not holding my breath. I have realised that, much to my dismay, that I really don't do very well without people around me and I hate being on my own without a partner, I'm not saying that I can't function but just that I just stop doing a lot of things and living, and just seem to exist. Oh, boy, that's sad.

I used to be a very creative person, I wrote songs, poems and short stories, but my creative side seems to have gone on a long term holiday. I miss being able to do that, the problem is that I still have the ideas for things quite often but when I try to actually put them down on paper it just falls apart or I loose the ability to make it read the way that it is in my head. I think I need to find someone to write with, but that's almost as hard as finding a partner.

MUSIC

Here's another three mp3's (if anyone is having problems downloading these and wants to e-mail me I'll send them a list of all the mp3's I've got and maybe we can work out some way of me getting them to them).

Dire Straits - Sultans Of Swing

If you like this then check out this Web Site
and/or Buy A CD

Django Reinhardt - The Flat Foot Floogie

If you like this then check out this Web Site
and/or Buy A CD

Doris Day - Perhaps Perhaps Perhaps

If you like this then check out this Web Site
and/or Buy A CD

Well, yet another week has passed without me doing anywhere near half of the things that I'd like to have done, but hey! what the hell. As the song goes 'A Tiswas day's a doesn't matter day, a fill the world with fun and have a laugh-a-day' so maybe I'll just try that.

My son's ankle is much better, he's been back at school for the last three days and has gone in this morning for a bass guitar lesson, but he's already started setting himself up for next week. He woke up this morning saying that for some reason his ankle was hurting more than it had for the last few days, which probably means that on Monday, when he's back with his mum, he'll get up and won't be able to walk properly so that he can have yet another day off school. Then they will argue and he'll get upset and she'll get angry. Then she'll either force him to go, tell him that he can do what the hell he likes and storm off to work, or send round to me for me to make a decision, at least that's what normally happens. Oh, the joys of parenting.

I have a dilema which I'd like some advice on if anyone can help. What do I do about the fact that I have strong feelings for a woman that I know (well I'm 99.9% absolutely sure) I can never have that kind of relationship with due to big moral and friendship problems blowing up if I did, plus the fact that I'm far too scared of actually telling her how I feel in case it destroys the relationship we already have. But I can't seem to stop thinking about, and fantasising about her and I don't know what to do. Do I try to suppress it, do I say damn the consequences and just let her know how I feel, or what? It's not a problem that is ruleing my life at the moment but it is in the back of my mind a lot of the time. Any advice would be welcomed.

MUSIC

Here are today's two mp3's:

Depeche Mode - I Feel You

If you like this then check out this Web Site
and/or Buy A CD

Dio - We Rock

If you like this then check out this Web Site
and/or Buy A CD

Well I watched the second episode of Hyperdrive last night and I must say that I thought it was a lot better than the first one, I actually laughed a few times. If it keeps on improving like this then I may well watch it regularly. I've also just watched the second episode of Bones on Sky 1 and I think it's quite good (although some of it does seem more than a little bit far fetched) and may get better.

Something strange is happening to me, I have never had much of a sweet tooth, I've always preferred to pig out on cheese rather than sweeties when I comfort eat but this week I have had a craving for chocolate every day. Maybe it's hormonal, perhaps I'm going through the male menopause or something, but the problem is I can't allow myself to give in to the craving because, apart from not having any money until Monday, I'm supposed to be loosing weight and I won't do that by scoffing chocolate unless I don't eat anything else.

I finally managed to get my will of my ex-wife this week and have started to re-write it, which has made me think even more about my mortality and what will happen with my kids when I go. I know that I really need to do something about making sure that there is enough money set aside for my cremation and I should take out both a funeral plan and get life insurance, but I really do not have the money to do any of that and it worries me that when it comes to it there won't be enough money for everything and people (family and friends) will have to go into debt just to make sure that these things are dealt with. I really don't know how I can do anything about this situation and sometimes it gets me down. But I have to keep remembering the serenity prayer and accept that, at the moment at least, this is something that I cannot change.

MUSIC

I know that some people have been having a problem downloading the mp3's that I'm posting, this is due to a problem with the bandwidth at the storage site I'm using, for some reason (and I'm not sure why) they seem to have cut my bandwidth in half. I am trying to find out why and get it sorted out, for the moment all I can say is sorry, try to get in as early as possible and if you can't download them first time come back the following day and try again. Anyway heres two more:

David Bowie - Cracked Actor

If you like this then check out this Web Site
and/or Buy A CD

Demon - Night Of The Demon

If you like this then check out this Web Site
and/or Buy A CD

I have noticed something about myself recently that is starting to worry me a little. I don't get wound up or stressed out by major things like having no money or things breaking down when I need to use them, but small insignificant things are really starting to annoy me, to a quite irrational degree. I'm not sure if it's something to do with a state of mind, being on my own too much, or just that I'm getting old and turning into Victor Meldrew.

One thing that really annoys me at the moment is this thing about 'organic' foods. Now I know exactly what they mean by 'organic', they mean that it is grown or raised or produced without the use of chemicals in a natural environment and with no genetic modification, but by definition any and all food that isn't totally man made must be organic because anything that is or was living matter is organic. Why can't they call it 'organicaly produced food' or 'organicaly grown vegetables'? It brings me a small amount of pleasure to see the completely blank faces on the shop assistants (especially in supermarkets) when I ask if they show me where the in-organic vegetables are.

MUSIC

As I have had some problems with the storage of my mp3 files I have a limited amount of space to store files at the moment so I will only be posting 2 or 3 mp3's per post for the moment. So here are the first three for the letter D:

Danny & The Juniors - At The Hop

If you like this then check out this Web Site
and/or Buy A CD

Dave & Ansil Collins - Double Barrel

If you like this then check out this Web Site
and/or Buy A CD

The Dave Clark Five - Bits & Pieces

If you like this then check out this Web Site
and/or Buy A CD

That's all for today.

So, what a weekend it's been. I ended up taking my son, Scott, to the hospital on Saturday as his foot was swollen and bruised and he couldn't move it properly, so just to be on the safe side I thought I'd get an expert opinion. They said that he'd severely sprained his ankle and that he should rest it for a day or two and then he should be able to walk alright but he can't do any sports for about 3 to 4 weeks. This pissed him off as they have a rugby sevens tornament starting at school next week and he won't be able to play. Of course he's been milking it to the full, I just wish that the doctor hadn't said that he had 'a large amount of trauma to his ligaments' in front of himD.

Anyway, it's been quite nice having him around a bit more than normal, since my wife and I split he doesn't spend a great deal of time with me and I fully understand why, he has friends he wants to see and he has a kind of routine of stuff that he does with his mum (and has done basically since he was born) they go swimming every Sunday and go to see her parents regularly at weekends, and I don't want to force him to come to me and miss out on those things. I will say though that having gone from seeing him everyday to only seeing him for two days every other weekend has been quite hard to deal with on occassions, as has not seeing my daughter and grand-daughter (I know I don't look old enoughD) as often as I used to (although I do get to see them almost every week). The strange thing to me is that when we were together as a family I used to look forward to and treasure my time on my own, now that I spend most of my time on my own I hate it and sometimes feel very lonely, even when other people are here. Enough of this down stuff, I'm supposed to be trying pull myself out of it not bury myself in thinking about it.

Still today is another day!

MUSIC

As I have had so much trouble with the mp3’s that I had previously posted on my blog (and then had to remove), I am not re-posting them all again (at the moment), only the alphabetical list of mp3's that I like. So here goes again starting at the begining.

30 Amp Fuse - All Day Afternoon

If you like that then check out this Web Site
and/or Buy A CD

4 Non-Blondes - What's Up

If you like that then check out this Web Site
and/or Buy A CD

ACDC – The Rocker

If you like this then check out this Web Site
And/or Buy A CD

Aimee Mann - One Is The Loneliest Number

If you like that check out this Web Site
and/or Buy A CD

The Allisons - Are You Sure

If you like that check out this Web Site
and/or Buy A CD

The Andrews Sisters - Bei Mir Bist Du Schon

If you like that check out this Web Site
and/or Buy A CD

Ani DeFranco - Little Plastic Castle

If you like that check out this Web Site
and/or Buy A CD

Anthrax - Got The Time

If you like that then check out this Web Site
and/or Buy A CD

That's all for today

As anyone who has tried to access the mp3's on my blog will probably know there has been some problems with them, so I've taken them all off and will hopefully get it sorted and repost them. Sorry if this has caused any problems for anyone.

While I sit here typing my 14 and a half year old son is laying asleep on the sofa resting his freshly bandaged, twisted ankle that he injured today playing rugby at school. What amazes me is that despite the fact that he plays rugby and tries to act the hard, street wise kid all the time, he was looking pained and "ohh-ing and aah-ing" while I put the bandage on, then he wanted a drink and to lay down (all the time talking more like a 4 year old that a 14 year old), while looking at me with sorrowfull eyes. I'm not being dismissive of his injury or his feelings but, as I have said to him on previous occasions when he's hurt himself playing rugby, if he's going to take part in a full-contact sport like that he's got to accept that he's sometimes going to come off worse that the other guy. I just find it amusing how quickly he goes from stroppy, hard, street urchin to hurt "lickle" soldier who wants a "cuggle".

It's been an odd day, I actually went out today (only to the shops but for me that's a major thing) and I talked to people, face to face, you know "meat mail" as Neil Innes calls it. It was strange, they have all kinds of weird things out there now, like a bright light in the air, cold moving air, and loud metal things that travel on wheels (as you may be able to tell by this, I don't go out much these days). The one strange thing I did notice today, and I can't think why I've never noticed this before but almost all of the 25 shops in the local parade sell bread (excluding the pizza place, chinese takaway, balti house, second hand washing macine shop, headstone carvers, hair dressers, tattoo parlour, furniture shop and bookies), even the chip shop. The strangest thing of all was that the shop with probably the least amount of bread in it for sale was the bakers, I don't think I understand that.

Anyway, I'm feeling a lot more up today than I have for a while which is good, but deep in the hidden reaches of my mind I can't help wondering when it's going to happen next time and how bad it will be (it's amazing, even when I feel up I can still be negative).

Well that's all for today.

I sat and watched the first episode of BBC2's new Sci-Fi comedy, Hyperdrive, last night and was more than a little disappointed. I had been looking forward to it as, on paper, it should have been really funny. The people in it have been in quite a few programmes (and some films) that I've thought were really good and I was expecting good things. Unfortunately I didn't find it very funny at all, there were a couple of bits that I thought were quite good but on the whole I wasn't impressed and was left thinking 'bring back Red Dwarf'. Maybe it will get better as it goes on but I don't know how long I'll give it before not bothering any more.

Well, apart from having caused myself a slight injury (take it from me never try shaving your head with a brand new razor when you are in a hurry and very tense through lack of sleep), I'm feeling a bit better today, the down phase is passing (I hope, not wanting to tempt fate too much) and I feel a bit more positive today.

More tomorrow.

On January 29th it will be the start of the Chinese year of the Dog, I don't really know much about exactly what that means (is that good english?) but I just thought that you might be interested to know.

I'm feeling a little better today, getting my sleep pattern back into some kind of order but still feeling tired all the time, not quite as down but staying close to the edge, so all in all not a bad day so far.

I have been somewhat inspired by others on this site and have decided that I'm going to dig out my poetry that I haven't really looked at or done anything with for years and see if any of it is any good, then I might inflict some of it upon you all (don't worry it's not quite as bad as Vogon poetry, or at least I don't think it is...lol) or I might not depending on my mood.

The picture above hasn't got anything to do with my posting today but it's just a picture I like. For anyone who doesn't know it's the cover of the Rush album Fly By Night.

So, here I sit, feeling not much different to the way I did yesterday. I know from past experience that this mood will pass it just seems to take longer to do so some times (it always seems like it's a long time when I'm in this kind of mood but doesn't seem to have been that long looking back from a safe distance), and I have no idea exactly how long it will last. Seeing as all the things I used to do to get out of these kind of moods (ie: drink and drugs) are now out of the question, and pornography and masterbation no longer seem to hold any pleasure, I just have to find a way to ride these feeling out until they go away. I wake up every day thinking, 'today I'll try to only think happy positive thoughts' and then I can't seem to actually do it for more than a few minutes. Still, I have no one to blame for my current situation but myself and I refuse to sit here and feel sorry for myself, so I just carry on.

Well that's all from me.

So here I sit on another Monday, reflecting on the way my life has gone (something I think I need to do a little less often than I do but I can't seem to help myself) and thinking that maybe one day I'll get to the bottom of exactly why I dislike myself so much and why I have this self-destructive streak that means I tend to ignore all the good things in my life until they just go away (that is if I don't drive them away anyway). I think a lot about finding out the answers to those questions and then think that maybe I won't, the problem with asking questions is that sometimes you find the answers.

I do have a lot of good things in my life, things that I know I should be grateful for, but I don't always feel that way about them. All I think I have ever wanted from life is peace and a little love, the trouble is that I can't seem to find those things inside myself towards myself and so I know it makes it difficult to find them anywhere else.

I hadn't really intended this blog to be a vehicle for me to post my writings but I jus think that a peom I wrote a little while ago sums up some of what I'm feeling right now so I'm going to post it here:

Life

Death holds nothing that I fear,
The thing I fear most is life.
The daily slide towards the grave,
The corporate claws that us enslave,
The emotional knives that we must brave,
The problems flowing, wave on wave,
And the pained and sometimes bitter love,
We share with those to whom life we gave.

Keep on keeping on!!

I have a real problem at the moment with my sleep pattern. For some reason, and I really have no idea why, on New Years Day I was wide awake until about 7 in the morning and then I just crashed (I had tried going to bed twice already but had just laid there and couldn't switch off) and I slept until about 11.30, then I was wide awake again. It has now gone to me being so awake that there is no way I can sleep until about 5 every morning and then I don't wake up until mid-day. As I'm not working at the moment this isn't a real problem as such, but I do have days coming up when I need to be places in the morning and I need to be alert when I'm there so I can't stay up all night (also at my age I'm just getting too old to do this staying up all night stuff, even when I was younger I needed chemical assistance to do that, lol), and the worst thing is that although I'm getting more sleep now than I have been doing for about the last year, I feel more tired all the time now. My life at the moment is almost as tiring as it was when I was working, lol.

See ya!!!

I've been thinking a lot lately about my youth. Misspent and wasted as it was, a lot of things that I became exposed to had a major influence on my later life. One of these things was a vastly diverse diet of humour. I listened to and enjoyed lots of radio humour (a lot of which was from before I was born) such as The Goons, Round The Horn, and Hello Cheeky; I enjoyed and watched lots of film humour (again some of which came from before I was born) such as The Marx Brothers, Buster Keaton, Mel Brooks, and far too many other individual films to mention; and I watched and enjoyed lots of TV humour (again some of which came from before I was born) such as Hancock's Half Hour, anything with Spike Milligan in, The Two Ronnies, Dave Allen, Sykes, Cabbages and Kings, and Not The Nine O'Clock News. I was also listening to and loving a lot of musical humour such as The Bonzo Dog Band. But the one show that possibly had the most influence on my later life was Monty Python's Flying Circus. I was so blown away the first time I saw it, I couldn't stop laughing (even though I'm not sure I understood all the sketches and jokes, and having seen some episodes recently again, some of it wasn't actually very funny) and as with many people of my age it soon became a major part of my TV upbringing and school banter.

One of the other things that influenced my life to a major degree was a vastly diverse input of music (even more diverse than the humour) which was coming at me from just about everywhere. My dad was very into Jazz and light classical music; my mum also liked jazz but was very into the light classical stuff; my brother Pete was mainly into Rock 'n' Roll but loved sixties pop and rock music and a had a strange liking for some very odd songs; my sister Judy was a big Cliff Richard fan and also listened to a lot of other pop stuff; my brother Garry was into Rock music and introduced me to Led Zeppelin; and my brother Bob was a big David Bowie fan and was probably responsible for my dislike of the album 'Bat Out Of Hell' because he played it constantly from the day it came out:-)))). Apart from my family I would say that they biggest influences on my musical tastes were two of my friends, Geoff 'Hippo' Johnson and Geoff Bargery. Geoff Bargery was a major Zeppelin fan and changed my life by getting a place on the road crew for Neil Kay (if anyone doesn't know who he is or why he is hugely important PLEASE check out The Soundhouse web site) which moved my entire life in a new direction. Geoff 'Hippo' Johnson was, and still is, a great bloke who changed my life by introducing me to Black Sabbath who then became my favourite band and remain so to this day.

Well that's it for now, keep on rockin'. (Wanders off to the sound of Homebound by Ted Nugent)

Well, here we are again.

As anyone that knows me will be aware I've gone through a lot of stuff in the last few years and it has made me look seriously for the first time at things like religion and philosophy, and whilst hoping not to either bore or offend anyone I have decided that today I am going to share my thoughts about this.

I have come to believe that there is a god, not a god in the sense of a being but in the sense of a greater power that is responsible for the creation of the universe and that exists both within and around the unvierse constantly. I believe that this power or energy was the spark, if you like, that ignited the big bang and that drives the universe onwards to whatever ends it may meet. I also believe that this power was what enabled life to come into being on this planet, and probably on many other planets as well. I feel that this power flows through and all around the universe and everything within it and it is up to us how we use the power. I believe that our purpose, if we have any, is to make our world a better place for all of us and make our lives less complicated and happier, unfortunately because we have the choice of how we use the power within us not everyone uses it for these purposes. I think that all gods in all religions are merely personalisations of this power, we as a species have an inate inability to relate to a disembodied energy and feel the need to give it a personality so that we can understand and relate to it better, it also make it easier for those who wish to place themselves above others to use it as a threat. Some people that I have spoken to this about have asked me about the fact that I say that I pray (although not regularly) and how this fits in with my beliefs, and that is a very good question which I will try to explain as best I can. As I have said I believe that the power of the universe flows through us all and praying to me is a way of tapping into and focusing this power. If you can imagine the power as the internet, whenever you want to find something on the internet you simply access it and search for the information you want, praying is the same kind of thing. It allows your unconcious mind to tap into the power and focus it on the problem or situation that you wish to find an answer to and hopefully it helps you to find that answer. Unfortunately, just like the internet, we have to make sure that we are asking the right question to get the right answer. This is also why people are disapointed when they pray for physical things and don't get them, it is not possible for the power to actually give you anything physical but what it can do is give you the answer to the problem of how to get those physical things, as long as you ask the right question.

I don't know if all of that makes sense to you, but it does to me and has helped me to come to terms with my life as it is now. If anyone wants to discuss it please get in touch, I am more than willing to debate these issues and always open to reassesing my beliefs.

Well, that's all for today.

Well, here we are. My first real entry on this blog, and I'm not completely sure what the hell I'm going to write. I guess I'll just put down my thoughts and feelings about today, maybe at some point in the future I'll meander onto important topics but we'll s