Into the Void

Well, let me start by thanking people for their birthday wishes, sorry I haven't replied individually but things have been a bit odd round here, and in here (he says pointlessly pointing at his own head, which none of you will be able to see).

We are now the proud keepers of two cats (I say keepers and not owners because whilst you can own a dog, you can never own a cat). We have a black boy cat called Pip and a tabby girl cat called Nor. Don't ask about the names, Pete decided on them. They are just little kittens at the moment but I am assured that they grow quickly, so they should be big cats before we know it. Pictures to follow.

I had my second Maths GCSE exam, which I thought was easier than the first one, not that that really means much because I've had job interviews before that I thought I did brilliantly at and didn't even get shortlisted, so what do I know. Just have to wait until the end of August now for the results.

I've been a bit down of late and things in my head haven't been too fantastic. So I am going back into counselling to see if I can deal with some of the crap from my childhood that still gives me problems, also to deal with some stuff that happened during my drinking days that I didn't deal with at the time. Had an assessment on Tuesday and now have to wait to find out when I can start. We shall see what happens.

Sometimes I know I worry too much and at others I think maybe I don't worry enough about the things I should, but at the moment I seem to be worrying a lot of the time about a lot of things, some more important than others but all with the same intensity on my part. I think, no I know, that I need to talk some of the things through but find it difficult sometimes to know how. O Lord what am I waffling about? Anyway there it is!

That's all from me for now, see ya later

Well now, today was the day that I had the first of my two exams for my Maths GCSE course. I'm glad it's over, not looking forward to the second one on June 1st, not sure how well I did (I know that I guessed the answer to at least 4 questions) I'll just have to wait and see.

I have recently come to realise that my attraction to big women and women with big breasts is actually an addiction, in the same sense as my alcoholism is. One of the things that marks out an addiction of this type is the continual repetition of an action hoping for a different outcome despite the fact that it will not happen. With alcoholism this means drinking, and getting drunk, in the hope that it will solve all of your problems, which it clearly never will. I have the same thing going on when it comes to big women and women with big breasts, I continually watch them (either in person in the street, although not in a stalking way, or on television) hoping that one day they will bear their breasts to me, thus turning me on, despite the fact that (with the obvious exception of pornography and/or anyone connected with it) I know it is never going to happen, but still I watch and I hope, and all this whilst having a wonderful big woman at home that I love and that loves me, and that I would never cheat on, I must be mad.

Why is it that when I get a medium cappachino from Starbucks I get three quarters of a cup of coffee and one quarter of a cup of foam, but when I get a large cappachino I get half a cup of coffee and half a cup of foam? I'm sure I'm getting less by ordering more!

I want to thank everyone for the comments left on my last entry, not feeling bad about it really but felt confused about how flat it left me for a while. Still, maybe I'll try again next year

Well, things are slowly getting back to whatever normality is around here and we are all doing ok.

That's all from me for now, see ya!

Well, here I sit. I fell at the second hurdle, unfortunately, and so won't even make it to the TV auditions stage. Maybe next year, if I can bothered, or maybe I'll try Britain's Full Of Weirdo's or whatever.

Not that I'm bitter, I think that anyone that looks like me and is over 45 and goes into something like The X Factor thinking they could win it and become a global recording artist is more than a little deluded. The strange thing is that I didn't really expect to feel as sad about not getting through as I do, it hasn't made me feel down, just normally sad.

All I can think is that they obviously had their quota of fat, middle-aged, alcoholics with a heart condition for this series and so that's why they said no

So now back to what passes for normality, back to family and trying to get prepared for my first Maths GCSE on Monday.

Anyway, that's all from me for now (Nick I will e-mail you over the weekend in reply to your message) see y'all

So I had a day and a half on the 6th of May, but in the end I got through the first round of auditions and now have to go to the next one this Thursday, if I get through that then my fizzog will possibly be on the TV doing an audition to the four judges proper. We shall see

Other than that, and the ankle pains from all the standing and walking done on that day, things are going ok...ish. I've been a bit down, on and off, Nic seems to be doing ok but I have been feeling lately that we are not connecting as we used to (don't know why, might be to do with the very active little boy we have), Pete is fine, bouncing off the walls a lot of the time and pushing his boundries as well as learning and developeing quite well. So all in all pretty much ok.

Well, that all from me for now.
See y'all

I don't know if any of you might be able to help me but it's worth a try. I went to the cinema in the late 70's to see Star Wars, in North London, and it was supported by a short documentary film which was, at least in part, about the Kent Custom Bike Show. As Star Wars came out in around 1978 in the uk I assume that it was the show in either 77 or 78 that was in the support film. I am trying to find out any information at all about this film and would be really grateful of anything that anyone could tell me or any where that you can think of where I might find out more about it.

So now, where to start.

As Staind put it 'It's been a while', and it has. I've been spending a fair amount of time faffing around with Facebook for some reason that to be honest is beyond me right now

I seem to have come out of the down (although still wavering a bit sometimes) and am feeling alright..ish at the moment as far as that side of things goes.

We went on holiday for a week to the Haven Holiday Camp in Caister (Great Yarmouth). We, well Nic actually, managed to find a cheap deal because of the dates and so went away last Monday. The journey there was pretty good and the camp itself was fine, about three hours (or maybe even sooner) into our holiday we went to the main entertainment centre, the Neptune Room and Pete was running around like a looney as were lots of other kids, Pete managed to collide with one of them and bounced off at an angle hitting his head on a stool and spliting his eyebrow open, we then spent about three or four hours in A&E in the 'local' hospital which is actually about halfway between Great Yarmouth and Lowestoft. Still he was fine afterwards and the rest of the holiday went well, although the weather on the last day and a half was a bit grotty, and I managed to come back with a cold and chesty cough which are now giving me grief. Still it was good to get away for a few days and just be somewhere else doing different things.

And now for an amazing thing that may well leave some of you astounded and amazed. About a month or so ago I found myself sitting at the computer surfing the net, as is my want late at night, and I logged onto a site that I signed up to ages ago for musicians to find like minded people with the aim of forming bands and also for bands and singers to find out about opportunities for performing but I haven't really looked at for about a year or more. Anyway there were a few messages for me to read and amongst them was one that had a link in it to a web site which I decided to have a look at and just for fun submit an interest to. I honestly didn't think I'd hear anything from them but, coming back from Holiday I found a letter on the door mat addressed to me asking me to attend an audition on May 6th for the 2009 series of the X Factor. I can't wait

Anyway, that's about it from me for now, talk soon, maybe.

I can feel that I am slowly slipping and this could be, as the song of the title says "the start of a very big downer". I hope that by knowing it's starting then I might be able to deal with it better and maybe even find some way of avoiding it altogether, we shall have to wait and see.

So, with what could possibly be my final up thoughts for a while I decided to post some things here.

Pete is full on 99% of the time when he isn't asleep, which is fun. We've been through some stuff and are working our way back to normality (whatever that is) one step at a time.

I was the victim today of possibly the strangest drive-by abusing I have ever recieved. I was walking along the road, pushing Pete in his buggy, when a car came round the corner and drove past me, as it drew level with me, the driver of the car shouted "Pavarotti!" is his best broad east end accent. I thought well, that's the last time I go out in white tie and tails with a handkerchief in my hand.

It's been an odd week, meeting up with people I haven't seen since rehab, other people I haven't seen for a year or so contacting me on Facebook (I'm still not totally sure why I'm on that), mayhem in Romford at Kidspace, and then Iron Maiden win a Brit Award. Whatever next?

So, a few days ago, I am sitting in Starbucks (as is occassionally my want) with not much more to do than contemplate my navel and watch the world go by, when I am struck by the muse and compelled to write something. When these things happen, which is rarely these days, I just sit and write without always being completely aware of what I'm writing until I've finished and read it back. This was the case on this day, and so I wrote the following:-

"Let's say that all that's inside a persons mind becomes the entirity of that persons life and all that is outside of that person is percieved as being a delusion, but a delusion that has been manufactured by a specific person or body with the sole purpose of entrapping the deluded person. The 'fact' is stated by the person and within the delusion, that the manufacturer of the delusion must be already in the life of the deluded person (which could be said to be fairly logical reasoning) but as that persons life is, as has previously been stated, all that is inside of their own mind, then the manufacturer can only be themselves. They, having worked this out, therefore reject their own thoughts and feelings as being part of the manufactured delusion, which sends them off into a never ending loop of delusion within a delusion, in which they can argue that everything, both inside of their mind and outside of them is both real and a delusion at the same time and so, therefore, is also neither of these two things and so, therefore, does not exist. If everything, both inside their mind and outside them, does not exist then either they are an empty shell within a void which would, logically, be incapable of the reasoning needed to come to the original conclusion, or they also do not exist, which then poses the question 'If they do not exist, how can they reason that they do not exist?'"

I have not real idea if any of that makes any sense but I just thought I'd share

Well, with that of my chest I'll be off. Hopefully I'll be back again soon.
Bye

Here's a thought for you, prompted by a phone call from my brother about a sign in a shop window near where he lives which said:-

"What if the hokey-cokey is what it's all about?"

That's worrying.

Well now, here I am again. My cold/flu thingy has gone, no more gut problems, so now all I have to deal with is yet another ear infection. I've seen the doctor and have taken another pointless seven day course of antibiotics (why do doctors bother prescribing Amoxicilin when everyone knows it doesn't do anything) and am going to phone for another appointment tomorrow to see if he can give me anything that will actually help. During the meanwhilst, I am getting more and more fed up with it.

We've been having a few problems with Pete and his sleeping over the last week or so, this has meant that neither Nic or I have slept very well and have both been feeling a bit tired and rough, still these are the joys of parenthood I suppose

I've done another rehersal with the band (and in answer to Old Nicks question it's Jeff - Sandy's boyfriend) which went well-ish. We are having another on in a couple of weeks and I'm taking some songs along to see if they want to do them, could be interesting. I am enjoying doing the singing thing again, even if the last two times I have had a throat problem and have ended up the following day sounding a bit like Barry White when ever I speak.

I had a great time last week going to Camden with Mr Kelly to see Kings X at the Electric Ballroom. I've heard some of their stuff before and liked it but live they are great and since the gig I have downloaded a few of their albums to listen to and I really like their stuff.

Anyway, we have a fairly full weekend and week ahead so I'm off now.
See ya!

So, it appears I am now in a band. I did this audition and they were really happy with the way I sang and everything, which I am a bit suprised at because I didn't think I did that well. I suppose it helps that I know the drummer (he is a guitarist friend of mine) and that none of the rest of the band think they have good enough voices or want to sing, but hey I'm not knocking the fact that I seem to be a singer once again (if I ever was one before that is). So I sang some good classic rock songs, and a couple of Def Leppard numbers, and really enjoyed myself. They have some of their own songs that they've been working on as well which don't sound bad but need a bit of polishing up, so all in all it could be good fun. The band are called MLC, at the moment (it stands for Mid Life Crisis) but I don't know if that will be the final name or not. Anyway I'll try to keep anyone who's interested posted as to our progression.

On the home front, we are all gradually getting better but we still have sore throats, coughing and stuff going on within the house, although nowhere near as bad as it has been.

I'm going to finish with a little comment on something I heard earlier tonight on Newsnight. They were asking if this country still has a 'Rolls Royce' Civil Service. I think that firstly it really depends if you thought we ever had one to start with, but the thing that I thought straight away was 'Why do we need one when we've got a Ford Cortina Government and a Reliant Robin society?'

See ya!